Black, Blue, Bloody and Broken
by livelovelaugh91
Summary: In this story Eclare isnt the perfect couple everyone's come to love. When abuse, mental and physical, run rampant in the relationship... Will this story end like a fairy tale of a tradgedy? Mature.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own Degrassi!**

_In this story, Eli and Clare are a little out of character…I'll admit it, but hey it's fan fiction so I hope you enjoy! Lol_

Clare

"Who else are you going to go to Clare? All your friends are gone… you'll be alone!"

"That's not true."

"Isn't it though? I'm all you've got and without me you'll turn into a ghost!"

"You promised."

"I know… I'm sorry that it happened again Clare. I'll get help though… I swear."

"Really?"

"Yes."

He kissed me on the cheek and smiled at me reassuringly. Maybe things will be different and maybe he won't do what he done again. After all, people make mistakes right? Plus it could have been much worse. It's been worse before I mean this is really just a little scratch compared to before.

He took me home and we parted with a kiss. When I got in the house I saw only my mother making out with a strange man. After the divorce was finalized she starting dating again… with a serious vengeance. There's been a different guy every night. Now I don't even bother to say hello to her and break up the party, I just go up to my room. I went to the bathroom and I took off my purple uniform shirt. I guess I underestimated what the extent of the damage would be. My back looked horrible. Black and blue…like berries or juice. I couldn't even be alarmed. I couldn't cry and say this is a surprise. I'm just lucky that it's not in a place everyone sees.

I curled up in my bed and I cried. I wish I could call Alli, but nobody has seen her in months. She went missing after a fight with her family one night and she's been ghost since. Adam is hardly my friend… He's Eli's friend…not mine. Connor and I barely speak anymore and well KC and Jenna… let's just say I don't exchange words with them unless absolutely necessary… I'm alone; I really have no friends but Eli.

When I finally got myself to sleep there was a knock on my bedroom door. It was my mother. She was wearing a slutty dress with heels and a trench coat. She had on too much lipstick and she smelled like aftershave.

"Hey Clare baby, I have to run to the market for a few things but um… your uncle Rich is downstairs in case you need anything."

"Okay."

I closed my door again and I curled back up on the bed. I heard my mother's car pull out of the driveway and downstairs I heard the clinking of glasses. Uncle Rich must be fixing himself a drink… Uncle Rich, he's not my fucking uncle. I miss my dad… but he lost the custody battle. My mom got full custody and the worst part is that nobody asked me what I wanted. My family fell apart and nobody asked me how I felt… they probably just assumed I fell apart too but truth is I haven't but one day I feel I might explode! So who all will be burned to a crisp when the flames inside me come out?

Eli

"So what were you guys fighting about this time?"

"I don't remember. I feel so bad."

"Well that's a start I guess. You should probably get help."

"I told her I would."

"Well don't be a liar Eli. If you don't then you are going to hurt Clare really badly again. She could have turned you in to the police several times… Especially when you forced her…"

"I know that Adam, you think I don't know that! I feel terrible I just don't know what to do. Where do I go to get help? I just get so mad sometimes that I end up taking it out on her and she doesn't deserve it."

"Well dude look I'll get some therapy centers and support groups for you to go to… Every little bit helps…"

I thought about how Clare reacted earlier when I lost my temper and punched her in the back. She didn't scream, she just covered her mouth and cried. Then she tried to leave and I… tore her down mentally. I'm abusive… say hello to the bad guy. The bad part is that for that moment there was no guilt and I felt good and strong and having the power to crush someone when the world seems to crush me felt so relieving! Then when I looked into her tear filled blue eyes… Staring at me in fear and confusion the good feelings and relief instantly dissipated and I wondered how I could ever cause pain to someone I care so much for. Because I do love Clare I just have a problem. She's much better off without me, but without her I fear I may die. How hard can not hitting her be? I can stop hit her. I'll just watch my temper…. I can do that right?

**Guys if you read it please leave a review. Without your input I won't ever know if my story is good or bad...masterpiece or it? Thanks! Lol. =)**


	2. Chapter 2

Clare

I sat at the picnic table under the tree, writing about everything that is going on. I guess this is my therapy. Lately I've been going through quite a few diaries. Without anyone to talk to this is the only way I can vent my frustrations. While I was writing I realized someone else had approached the table.

"Fitz?"

"Hello Saint Clare."

"When did you get back? What do you want?"

"I just got back and I want to apologize for calling you a bitch when I was about to stab Eli. I didn't mean it."

"Well thanks… I guess."

"I'm trying to change my life around and to do that I need to right the wrongs so I'm apologizing to everyone I've ever wronged and I figure if I get the little apologies out of the way then the big ones will be less crazy."

"Well I appreciate your apology."

After our brief conversation he got up from the table, and once again I was alone with my thoughts. I remembered days when I spent my lunch period working on battle bots and chatting with Alli, but long gone are those days.

After writing the last line of my entry I went inside the building, to my locker. I got my jacket and fixed my lip gloss. When I closed my locker door Eli was standing there with a devious smile on his face. I jumped.

"Why are you so jumpy?"

"I didn't know you were there."

"Oh… well how are you today?"

"I'm fine. Yourself?"

"Good… Hey wanna go out tonight?"

"Sure."

"Great… Oh, what did Fitz want?"

"What?"

"Fitz, I saw him talking to you outside. What'd he want?

"Oh nothing."

"Didn't look like nothing… you were smiling too much for it to be nothing."

"Eli why are you making a big deal out of this? He just apologized for calling me a bitch that night when he almost stabbed you."

"How noble of him."

"Why are you mad?"

"I'm not…Should I be?"

"No…"

"What were you writing about in that journal of yours?"

"Stuff…"

"What kind of stuff? Secret loves?"

"No."

"Let me see it."

"No, it's personal."

"Give it to me."

"No!"

With one swift movement he'd taken the journal out of my hand and pulled into a hug… This isn't any hug though, it's a trap. His fingers were intertwined with mine only because he was twisting mine in painful way. I wanted to yell out in pain, but I couldn't bring myself to cause the scene

"I could break your fingers you know? Then you couldn't write about your secret boyfriend"

"Please don't. There is nobody else, only you…"

He stopped twisting my fingers and then he whispered in my ear "if you're lying to me…" there was never anything else. With that said he kissed me on the cheek and walked away, my journal in hand. When things are great there's nothing better but…he's so destructive right now. I just don't know what to do but he's all I have to hold onto. Without him I'll be all alone… So I get a few bumps and bruises… I'll be fine. It really doesn't hurt that bad. I guess I just bruise easy or something… I'll be fine.

I went to my math class and that was a small relief for me. I didn't have to think about anything except the problems. Good old logic, that's what I need right now. Just the remedy to get rid of my stress.

After math finally came the end of the day. I'm starving! I walked out of the building to see Eli standing in front of Morty in front of the steps. He opened to door for me and handed me back my journal. I couldn't read his mood. He didn't look happy or upset; he was a blank emotional canvas.

"So where are we going?"

He simply shrugged his shoulders. My heart started to pound out of my chest. He won't tell me where we are headed and he won't speak to me. I hope this doesn't end up like last time. I feel like I'm going to puke.

We finally pulled into a graveyard. Oh my god, is he going to kill me? Has he dug my grave already? I was going crazy and by now it showed on my face. I was in the passenger's seat crying. He just looked over at me and stared until my sobbing came to an end. I wonder how he'll do it?

"Well make it quick."

"What?"

"You're going to murder me aren't you?"

"No…"

"Then why are we here?"

"Don't know Clare. I just wanted to come here."

"Oh."

"I wouldn't murder you…unless you..."

"Unless I what?"

"Clare, you know I can't live without you. Do you even comprehend how damn crazy you make me?"

"I can guess."

"So I'm the monster?"

"What?"

"In your journal… I'm the green eyed monster."

"Don't know what you are talking about."

"Really Clare! It says right here, today the green eyed monster, when on his best days is mild tempered, released his flames on me today burning all but my soul to a crisp."

"…."

"You better answer me."

"No."

"No?"

"No!"

"Fine. Get out."

"What? No!"

"Get out of my fucking car!"

"Eli no, why are you being such an ass!"

"I don't know… Am I going to have to remove you?"

"Please, I don't even know where we are."

"Not my problem. If you'd just answer the fucking question then this wouldn't be happening Clare. You make things so hard."

"Okay yes! I was talking about you for this reason! You're so destructive."

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry I hurt you that way Clare. Here's your journal back."

"Thank you."

He put his head on the steering wheel and I heard sniffles coming from him. He was crying. Soon he looked at me with eye liner dripping down his face; his brilliant green eyes were glistening from the tears.

"I guess you'll wanna leave now?"

"Leave this place?"

"No Clare, leave me."

"No."

"God I love you."

"I love you too."

I slid over to him and placed my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me and then he lifted my chin and he kissed me. It's like my body was set aflame. He looked into my eyes and it was like seeing my Eli. The one who, just a few months ago, taught me how to take flight and free myself. The one who became the first and only to penetrate my body in that way…

The kiss deepened and my body went from a flame to a cloud. I feared I might float away if he didn't hold onto me. But he was holding onto me, tight. The more intense the kissing got, the less vertical I became. Before I knew it I was lying down and Eli's weight being on top of me was taking my breath away.

I heard him unzip his pants. He just pulled up my skirt and I slipped out of my panties. He went inside me and I gasped a little. I guess it's always a surprise. I held onto him tight as he went gave me deep strokes that sent shivers up my spine and down my fingertips. Then I erupted and it was like someone sent me flying through the air, and then let me fall back to the Earth. The feeling was incredible. Eli came soon after me and once everything was all cleaned up we sat in Morty and he held me.

We went to a pizza place after the cuddling. He's a supreme pizza person and I'm a pepperoni pizza person, so we got half and half. It's like the cheese was extra gooey and extra…yummy. Eli and I sat at the table joking and playing around. Then he started tickling me and he hit a sore spot.

"Ouch."

"I'm so sorry Clare."

"It's okay. It's just a bruise."

"Where?"

"My lower back."

When nobody was looking he looked at the bruise. I jumped when he touched it because he startled me. After seeing it he hugged me and apologized to me a million more times before ordering us a toffee sundae for dessert. We shared the sweet treat and then he dropped me off at home. We kissed and then I got out of the car. I went into the house to see only clothes scattered on the floor in a trail to my mother's bedroom. Guess she's busy.

I went into the bathroom and took a shower. I changed into my fluffiest pajamas and then I lay down on the bed. Eli texted me telling me goodnight. I smiled and then I turned out the lights and went to sleep. I like it when things are this way. Only one thing bothers me right now… He came inside me today.

Eli

I didn't use a condom when Clare and I had sex today. What am I worrying about though? I mean there is always the morning after pill. I'll just that for Clare and have her take it, crisis averted.

After I showered I wrapped the towel around my waist and I walked into my bedroom. I put on my night pants and sat on the bed. The more I thought about the prospect of Clare having a baby by me…The more appealing the idea became. It would ensure we were bonded forever and then it would be a million times more complicated for her to leave me. Fuck that morning after pill… let the fertilization process begin in her.

When I was in the middle of my pondering there was a knock at my door. My parents weren't there luckily. They never are which isn't always bad. I have a lot of time to myself in the peace and quiet to think. When I answered the door it was Declan Coyne.

"Eli… I'm looking for Her… You know… Corrine"

"Come in here, I'll give you her number."

So, I sell drugs. Big freaking deal. Most people don't know. Not even Adam and Clare know. I gave Declan two grams of coke and he paid me one hundred and thirty dollars. Cocaine is a hell of a drug and Declan Coyne is addicted, but he's got the money to keep up the habit. He's spinning out of control quick though. My guess is that he'll overdose by a year's time and he'll either die or be sent to rehab before he can get through his trust fund and start squandering daddy's money.

After he left I put the money in a safe and I hid the drugs back in the floorboard and I nailed it down. When I finished that there was another knock at the door. I went down and Fitz was standing there. He looked a lot… nicer than I remember.

"Emo boy… I mean Eli; I would like to apologize to you."

"You kidding?"

"No dude, look I'm trying to make a change just accept the apology."

"Fine go."

"I'm sorry I bullied you and pulled a knife on you. It was immature and stupid."

"Well uh thanks Fitz."

"Glad that's done with. We ain't dating or anything."

When that was done with I went up to my room and I finally got some silence. I popped open a bottle of Jack Daniels and I went bottoms up on it. It was a tiny bottle but it still made my head spin. This is the drink of real men. Whiskey…. At least for a moment it made me forget what I read in that journal today. She called me a monster, a destroyer, a land shark. It hurt my feelings to know I hurt her enough for her to feel that way. For fuck's sake is there any way out of this bloody fucking revolving door?

**Hey people please leave a review if you read it... tell me what you think! lol. Love you all =)**


	3. Chapter 3

Clare

I was sitting in my room writing in my journal when my mother called me downstairs. This is a first, I haven't actually seen my mother in months. Like I said, she has a different man every night and she doesn't have time for me anymore.

"Yes mom?"

"Clarey honey?"

Her breath smelled like liquor and peppermint. I looked over and saw peppermint scented and flavored condoms. That is gross and I didn't need to know that about her. She had lipstick smeared all over her face and her eyes were wild. I looked over at the guy and he still had his erection out in the open. He was touching himself.

"Mom what is going on here?"

"Baby, Stephan is willing to pay us a thousand dollars if you just um… well it will be like you are giving his privates a kiss."

"Mom you're a hooker now?"

"Don't talk to me that way! You ungrateful little bitch! Mommy hasn't had her nose candy today and I'm a little testy so just go put his dick down your throat and get the money."

"Mom!"

"Mom, mom mom! Do it!"

She tried pushing me towards the guy but I resisted. I ran up to my room and closed the door. I called Eli and asked him to come pick me up. I can't stay here anymore. It's like I don't know my mother at all. She's selling her body and doing drugs. I thought the sluttiness and drinking was bad enough, now she's trying to pimp me out.

A few minutes later my mother told me that Stephan was taking her to the store and that I'd won the battle. When I heard the car take off I felt like it was safe for me to come out of the room, I have to get some things from the bathroom anyway. To my luck though, it wasn't really safe to come out because right when I opened the door there Stephan was holding his penis and looking at me with ill intentions.

"You know Clare it's not so bad… your mom likes it."

"Get away from me."

"Not until I get what I paid for. If I can't have your mouth I'll take something else."

"No!"

I picked up my hairbrush and hit him in the head with it. It didn't knock him down but he was bleeding. I started trying to reach for my phone but he grabbed it and chunked it against the wall. It shattered into a million pieces. He spun me and then slammed me into the wall, I got dizzy and I felt blood dripping down from my head and my nose. Still, I tried to escape so I went for the door and he blocked the way. He closed it and smiled deviously at me while walking towards me.

"Just because you made it such a struggle little girl, I'm gonna make it hurt."

"I'll tell the police."

"Then we'll just have to cut out your tongue won't we?"

I looked around. There was nothing else I could use to defend myself or distract him. Running wouldn't help and neither would screaming because there is nobody here. I'm helpless. Then at that moment, like a superhero Eli busted in the door, he had a gun in his hand. Stephan held his hands up and stepped away from me. I walked over to Eli the best I could. The room is spinning now.

"Easy there little boy. You don't know how to use that thing."

"I know how to use it better than you think bitch, now leave this house or be carried out in pieces."

"Fine, I can take the hint. Tell your mother to forget about it. Deal's off."

Eli made sure he Stephan left and then he came back up to my room. He tucked his gun away. It just dawned on me… Eli has a gun? He hugged me and I just cried, letting all of my tears hit his shoulder.

"What happened?"

"My mom has been prostituting. I just found out tonight. She's on cocaine too… She tried to get me to have sex with this guy for a thousand bucks but I refused and so she left and she said he left too. I was going to get some things from the bathroom and I found out he was still here. He tried to rape me, so I hit him in the head with a hairbrush and he slammed me against the wall… If you hadn't gotten here when you did…"

"You can't stay here."

"Can you take me to my dad's?"

"Sure… I'll help you pack."

I packed my things and Eli helped. We managed to leave before my mother got back. I directed Eli on how to get to my father's apartment. When we got there he helped me carry my things to the front door. My father opened it and looked down at me shocked.

"Clare, honey?"

"Daddy please let me live with you!"

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"Mom tried to sell me!"

"What?"

My father invited Eli and I in. I told him the entire story. He rubbed his temples in frustration and anger. His face was red and his breaths were heavy. His head hung down. I hope he allows me to stay, I can't bear to go back to that house.

"Of course you can stay here baby. Let's take some pictures of your head."

"Why?"

"Court case. If you're going to stay here I'm going to have to win custody."

"Okay."

After talking to my father I walked Eli out to his car and I thanked him for helping me tonight. One thing still puzzled me though… It also scared me too. So I couldn't stop myself from asking him about it.

"Eli, why do you have a gun?"

"Safety reasons."

"Is i…"

"Don't worry Clare. I'm being safe with the gun okay. I've never really had to use it."

"Okay."

We embraced and kissed before Morty disappeared into the night. I went up to my father's apartment. This will be different… I'll get to sleep later at least. His place is closer to Degrassi and literally down the street from the dot. Prime real estate some would say. I hope he wins this custody battle…

Eli

Yeah well I lied again. When I told Clare I've never really had to use this gun, I lied. I've never killed anyone before but I've shot people for getting too crazy or trying to attack me. I kind of wish I'd had this thing when Fitz pulled his stunt, but I didn't. Something inside me was still angry about what just happened. What gives that son of a bitch the right to hurt my girlfriend? If she hadn't been looking I would have killed him.

When I got to my house Clare's mother was sitting in front of it in her car. She came to my door looking like something from a horror movie. She's nothing like the woman Clare described in her childhood memories, there's not even a trace left. She's now just a dirty, junkie hooker.

"Hey, Eli. I heard from somebody that you know Corrine… Well I need her bad."

"Don't know what you're talking about."

"Come on… We're like family you and me. You're dating Clare. Please, give me a little something… I'm going crazy."

"Get away from here."

"I can make you feel good. I bet Clare would never deepthr…"

"I said get away from here! You're a poor excuse for a woman! You're not Clare's family or her mother anymore you fucking junkie!"

She left my house, practically crawling back to her car. I give it two months tops… Then her car and the house she and Clare once shared will be gone because of her habit. She'll soon resort to staying in a whore house under a pimp, but when she's no longer of use and can no longer hook guys…she'll be killed or allowed to wander out into the streets like a real drug addict. From there she'll become a beggar or she'll die. Tale as old as time.

There was another knock at my door. This time it was Sav. He looked haggard and tired. The constant search for Alli seemed to be wearing him down. Someone was ripping off her missing posters as fast as they could put them up.

"I just need a blunt to get me through."

"I got you my man… On the house. Any news yet?"

"No, nothing. Good news is that no girls fitting her description have landed in the morgue since she went missing."

"That's good man. That means there's hope."

Sav left with the blunt. I thought about his situation, and then I thought about Clare. Alli is her best friend. Really the only friend she has. She probably feels alone. I guess that means I should try extra hard to be there for her then. After all, I do want to be there for her.

**Please leave a review if you read it. Let me know what you are thinking! I'm wishing a Happy Turkey Day to everybody, American and Other. Love ya! =)**


	4. Chapter 4

Clare

Lucky for us, the custody battle wasn't as big a fight as we thought. My mother gave up easy and she even allowed me to get my things from her house. I took Eli with me. When we stepped inside it looked nothing like the place I grew up in. There were sleeping men everywhere and trash scattered all over the floors. The walls were dirty and it smelled horrible. My mother wasn't looking too good herself. She was dressed even more scantily clad than before and as if that wasn't enough… Her teeth are starting to turn brown. What happened to her?

I went in my room and it looked like a crime scene. Not the way it was before I left, but more like someone went rummaging through my things for valuables. Well I would expect that. My mom is a junkie now. I got anything that meant something to me and then I left. Though my mother reeked, I hugged her and a tear fell from my eye because I feel like this is the last time I will see her alive. I made sure to get the family pictures, I also took one last picture of the house because I'm certain this will be the last time I will step foot inside it. On the front porch there are letters from the bank threatening to foreclose. Time does bring about change.

Eli helped me load my things into the back of Morty and then we took off. We went to my father's apartment. There I unloaded my things while Eli texted someone. My dad is out of town for business… that's what he does though. I rarely see him, but at least his work is honest.

After unpacking the last of my stuff I arranged it in my room and I went and sat beside Eli on the couch. I feel playful today.

"Who are you texting? Your secret girlfriend?"

"Don't be stupid."

"Geez, I was just kidding… Loosen up."

"Whatever, I'm leaving."

"Eli why are you acting like this? I was just joking."

"No reason… I'll call you later."

"But, I thought we were hanging out today?"

"Clare I have things to do. Hang out with your other friends."

"I don't have any…"

"Not my issue."

"Fine then just go you asshole!"

He smiled at me before getting up from the couch. I thought he was walking to the door but instead he pulled my hair and slung me on the ground. I grabbed my head and attempted to get up but he pushed me back down and eventually I stopped trying. That's when he left. I stayed in the floor for an hour, crying and wondering what I done wrong. I was just kidding. Well, I did call him an asshole. He hits me but he never calls me names. I guess I was wrong.

When I finally got up it was because I had to go vomit. I made it to the bathroom but I ended up throwing up on the bathroom floor. I cleaned it up and then I hopped in the shower. My butt is bruised. At least nobody can see it.

After I finished showering I put on a nightshirt and I went to my bed. I was about to climb under the covers when there was a knock at the door. It was Eli. I let him in and he handed me an extremely hot box of pizza with a teddy bear, and two rented movies on top.

"What's this?"

"Peace offering. I'm sorry I done this to you today. I overreacted."

"Yeah… What did you rent?"

"Fortnight one and two."

"Great. I love Fortnight."

Eli

I think my plan might have actually worked. Clare told me she puked today, randomly. Don't pregnant women do that? Oh yeah…I have her right where I want her. Which is in my pocket. With a baby between us we will always be connected to each other and that's what I need because I can't see me without Clare.

I was lying with my head in her lap. It's warm… I cannot believe I'm watching this. I cannot believe I rented this. Clare loves it though and I felt guilty. At least I didn't punch her this time though… But I guess it's still no improvement because it was assault. I don't even remember why I was mad enough to hurt her. She just called me an asshole; I mean I've been called worse. I don't know what came over me. I really have to stop what I'm doing though. I mean, if she is pregnant I don't want to risk hurting the baby… Even if she wasn't, I don't want to hurt Clare again.

After the second Fortnight movie ended I realized that Clare was asleep. I lifted my head from her lap and kissed her on the cheek. She woke up confused and looked at me before she rubbed her eyes.

"Come on Clare, let's get you to bed."

"Are you leaving?"

"Yeah."

"Well be safe."

"Thanks. I will. I love you."

"Love you too."

I left, making sure to lock the door behind me. Once I got into the hearse I checked my messages… All from an unknown number. I'll have to be careful when I get home. Don't want any crazies coming at me. When I got there Clare's mother was sitting on the porch. Boy am I glad my parents are out of country for the month. She was scratching her arms and trembling. She looked rather bloody and still gross.

"What are you doing here? I thought I told you I won't sell to you."

"Please! Nobody else will sell to me. I need get go! Please!"

"Look, I don't sell meth. Go to somebody else."

"Lying little goth bastard! You're enjoying sticking your dick in my little girl aren't you! Aren't you!"

"Helen get out of here now!"

"What are you gonna do about it?"

She picked up a rake and started coming at me so I had to point the gun at her. I didn't want to but she pushed me to the limit. Once she saw that, she limped back to her car and drove off. It didn't turn out well though… She didn't check to see if it was clear to go and she pulled out in front of a dump truck. I could only watch as it turned the car into a pancake. The driver of the dump truck got out and I called the police. They arrived quickly. I hid the gun and all of my things. How will I tell Clare?

The paramedics got there to get Helen's body from the car, but sadly they took her out in pieces. The wreck left her literally broken into sections. They loaded the pieces into a body bag and I gave my account of the accident. Then I was free to go. I went to Clare's and I knocked on the door. Time to come clean.

"Eli?"

"Clare… I have some bad news."

"What?"

"Your mom is dead."

"What!"

"She died in a wreck in front of my house."

"What… what was she doing there?"

"Clare, can you keep a secret?"

Clare wiped her tears and looked at me, as if waiting for me to spill the beans. Here goes…

**Sorry it took so long but I was away for the holidays! Please leave a review! Love ya!**


	5. Chapter 5

Clare

What other bomb is Eli going to drop on me tonight? First he tells me that my mother is dead and he saw it, now he's asking me if I can keep a secret. Did he kill my mother? What the hell is going on? I held my tears for a moment for him to share his special news with me.

"You know I have a gun right?"

"Yes… Did you kill…?"

"No! Clare of course not… I sell drugs. I have a gun because I sell drugs."

"What! I can't believe this! Were you selling to my mother?"

"No. She's come to me before and I refused her. I refused her this time as well…"

"Are you lying to me?"

"No."

"Why are you selling drugs Eli?"

"Because Clare. If I don't do something then I won't eat or have gas money. I don't have a real parent like you. Your dad is gone a lot but at least he leaves you money for food and contact numbers. If I got killed today my parents wouldn't find out until they came back into the country at the end of the month. I have to do this to survive."

"Well why not get a regular job?"

"You think I haven't tried. Nobody is hiring. Plus I make more money in two days than I would working two weeks in one of those burger joints."

"Oh Eli. Are you on drugs?"

"No. If I was I wouldn't be selling I'd be using… Hellloooo."

I felt like my head was spinning. My mother is dead and Eli is selling drugs. Dead mom, drug dealer boyfriend. Is there ever any rest for me? I started to cry again. Even though the last few months with my mother haven't been the best I try to remember better days when she was a real person and not a soul-less lifeless addict and prostitute. I looked over at Eli, who only seemed to be a shell of the boy I fell in love with. He's turning to crime! He hugged me as though he knew what I was thinking.

"It's only temporary babe. I swear."

"Why didn't you ask me for food or something?"

"Clare that's weakness. You don't take care of me, I take care of you."

"It's not… I could cook for you."

"No… Clare thank you but I have things under control."

"Promise you will stop?"

"Once everything is gone I'm finished."

"Okay."

He hugged me while I cried and he took me to the hospital and held my hand while I identified her. At first he tried to stop me, but I needed to see her. Even if she was in pieces, I need to be sure… They had her pieces on a metal table. I recognized her face which was sitting upright and unattached to the rest of her… Well that wasn't too together either… I shrieked in horror after seeing it and I buried my face in Eli's chest. I called my father and Darcy to tell them the news. They both told me they were hopping on the next planes available.

I found myself a little shaky after that whole incident. I just sat in the passenger seat of Morty trembling. Eli pulled up to the grocery store. I looked at him, wondering what the hell we were doing here.

"I um… You should eat and so should your family when they get here so I'm going to get some stuff to cook."

"Thank you."

Now more than ever I wished I could call up my best friend. I wish I could tell her my secrets and have her shed tears with me… Then speak of the devil… Do my eyes deceive me? Alli walked past Eli's car. She was wearing a blonde wig with a black hoodie and jeans. I got out of the hearse and called her.

"Alli!"

"You have me confused with someone else!"

"Alli Bhandari!"

"Clare shut up! Don't you know I'm on the run?"

"Why!"

"Why not?"

"Alli my mom died tonight…"

"Oh my god… Clare. I'm so sorry…."

I hugged my best friend, whom I haven't laid eyes on in months. God knows when I will see her again after this. There are so many things I need to tell her and ask her, but I know I will probably never get to.

"Look honey, here's my cell number. I don't know if you knew this but I came to your house… Your mom told me to be gone though because she was with a client."

"I didn't know you stopped by. I live with my dad now. It's a long story. Your family misses you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because they go out looking for you every day and Sav is even skinnier than his usual."

"Clare I was just a burden to them."

"Alli, all kids become burdens to their parents every now and then. Please just talk to them. I'm all alone at Degrassi besides Eli."

"Oh yeah… how is Mr. Dark side these days?"

"He's… okay."

"Just okay?"

"Will you talk to your parents?"

"Only if you'll go with me."

"Tomorrow."

"Okay. I… could I stay at your place tonight?"

"Sure."

Just like that one piece of the puzzle was restored. Right now I really needed a friend. Alli climbed into the back of Morty and we talked through the window in the divider. Eli came out of the store and jumped when he saw Alli.

"So we've picked up a stray?"

"Eli, Alli is spending the night with me tonight. I'm going to go with her to talk to her parents tomorrow."

"Sounds like a plan. You two can do that while I make things cozy at your place."

"You don't have to."

"I want to. Now let's get you home."

We got back to the apartment. We all went in and Alli put down her huge bag. I guess that's what all her belongings are in. I got back in my pajamas and Eli whipped up some pancakes. Alli took a shower and when she came out she started telling me about life on the street.

"Well you know how it's cold as hell outside? Imagine being in that for hours! I mean most days I wander around in stores and at night I get a couple hours of sleep in restroom stalls at twenty four hour places, but I can't stay very long or else I'll get caught and thrown out for loitering. Peter is nice enough to give me the food at the Dot they don't sell for that day and I eat on it until the next night. These guys keep trying to get me to be a prostitute for them and I ended up….having sex with Johnny for money."

"Johnny DiMarco?"

"Yeah… "

"Oh my god. Alli you have to come back."

"Clare I just… they really hurt my feelings."

"Well I'm sure they didn't mean it."

"So, what happened?"

"A car accident. Eli saw it and he told me, then I went to the hospital and identified her head."

I started crying again and Alli consoled me. It's good to have my best friend and my boyfriend here right now. Eli bought the stack of pancakes and a few plates into the living room along with warm syrup. We all ate and they bought up some happy times in an attempt to cheer me up. It only worked a little but that's better than nothing at all.

Eventually we went to sleep, well at least Alli and I did. Eli left and promised to come back in the morning. That's good enough for me. I couldn't really rest well but I guess my eyes for to relax a little because I was just lying there with them closed. When I woke up Alli was sitting at the edge of the bed wiping tears. She was fully dressed and I guess my movement startled her.

"Oh Clare you are awake?"

"Yeah."

"I'm nervous."

"Don't be. Are you ready?"

"Yes."

I threw on some jeans, a coat and a pair of snow boots then we walked to Alli's house. When she knocked on the door her mother answered with a stack of missing posters in her hand. She saw Alli and nearly passed out.

"Mom…"

"Oh my god! Alli! Alli its Alli!"

Mr. Bhandari and Sav came to the door as well. They hugged her and then we all went into the house. Everyone greeted me as well and I guess news of my mom's death has gotten around so they gave me their condolences.

"Alli why did you run away?"

"I just felt like nobody liked me anymore and that I was a burden."

"Alli, of course we love you and like you. Everyone was just extremely angry that day and we took it out on you darling. We are so sorry. You are a blessing to us, not a burden."

"Mom do you mean that?"

"Oh course I do sweet heart."

"Alli, come back home."

"Okay daddy."

They shared a lovely family moment and after Alli was settled back into her rightful place I left. When I got back home Eli was sitting on the steps. I greeted him with a kiss and I let him in.

"How are you today Clare?"

"Better a little. I feel sort of sick."

"Flu?"

"Don't know. I felt this way yesterday too."

"Could it be something else?"

"I hope not."

We went into the building and I jumped into the shower. Eli's statement made me start thinking. Oh god, what if I am pregnant? That would be just what I need right now with all the other "wonderful" things going on in my life right now. I got of the shower and looked at myself naked in the mirror. Well, my belly is starting to swell a little…but I'm sure it's just water weight or something right?

I threw on a pair of leggings and a big shirt, and then I went down to the kitchen where Eli was cooking a huge pan of lasagna. He was also making waffles. I sat at the breakfast bar and he handed me a waffle the size of my head with a sausage link and a glass of chocolate milk. The perfect breakfast.

"Thank you Eli."

"You're welcomed. Oh, um some people dropped some things off at my place for you this morning. They are in the living room."

"Okay. You are being so great through all of this."

"You'd do the same for me."

Eli

Clare ate and then she took a nap. She has to be physically and emotionally drained from all of this. An hour later Mr. Edwards and a girl, I'm guessing her sister Darcy walked through the door. Clare woke up and looked around at them then they all hugged, crying and holding each other up. I took the food out of the oven, along with the cheesy bread and I set it out for them. I stayed in the kitchen making sure I didn't interrupt their moment. They need this, to be together. When they were done the Edwards clan came into the kitchen.

"Eli didn't know you were here."

"Dad Eli's been here half of last night and this morning taking care of me and he cooked."

"Thanks son. I appreciate that and it smells great."

"Thanks sir. I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you. I understand you saw it?"

"Yes sir."

"Was it bad?"

"Yes… Her car was flattened by a dump truck."

"Oh my god."

"Eli… um this is my sister Darcy."

"Hello Darcy, nice to meet you."

"Nice you meet you too; I wish the circumstances could have been better though."

I left them to be together and have family time. I told Clare I would call her later. She thanked me again for being there. I wish she would see that she doesn't have to thank me for that. I'll be there for her no matter what.

I got back to my house and I looked at my stash… Only one baggie of cocaine left. When this is sold… I will be done with this dirty business. Just like magic there was a knock at the door. It was Declan Coyne.

"Hey…Corrine here?"

"Yeah but she's moving."

He paid me for the cocaine and then asked me what was going on.

"So you are just quitting? Your coke is the best though."

"Declan, this is a nasty game and I'm sick of playing it. You're my last client. Congrats."

"This sucks."

He left and I thought about my life now. I have about three thousand dollars from the past month and a half selling and I found out that my grandfather set up a trust fund for me that only I can access. I'll start using that money now, but I'll budget so that will still have money for college. Hell there is even enough in there to raise a kid. I'm going to be okay, I just hope Clare will too.

**Please leave a review if you read. Love ya =)**


	6. Chapter 6

Clare

It's been a month since my mom passed and it gets a little better for me every day. Eli has been really supportive of me. So have Alli and Adam. I've been spending a lot of time with them lately since my dad has taken a month long business trip to China. He left me food money and paid all the bills but it gets a little lonely. Darcy decided not to stick around. She went back to Africa a few days after the funeral…

I fear I have new issues though. My vomiting spells have been getting worse. I'm starting to think that I might actually be pregnant. That's why I'm at my gynecologist's office right now. I sat there looking at the pregnancy magazines. I listened to the pregnant women rage over their last ultrasound pictures and cravings. I might be like them in a few months… Huge…

They called me back and made me pee in a cup. They also took some blood which really hurt. Then it was the waiting. I thought I was going to go crazy looking at the pink walls of the warm stuffy room. The same maternity magazines were back here. No use in picking those up… When I thought I wouldn't be able to take the waiting anymore the doctor emerged.

"Ms. Edwards, hello…"

"Hello."

"Well, you are not pregnant."

"Oh thank god!"

"But by the symptoms you put on your chart we think your vomiting may be caused by the migraines you are having."

"Well they do always happen together."

"Well Ms. Edwards be careful when you have sex and I will see you in six months."

I walked out of the office with a stride in my step. I'm not with child! I walked out and back to my father's place. When I got there Eli called asking if he could come over. I welcomed his company. I mean he's been so great lately. When he got here he knocked on the door. I answered and he stood there with a condom wedged between his middle and index finger.

"Do you know how much thinking about your sexy ass is hurting me right now?"

"I can just about guess."

I pulled him inside by the black tie he was wearing. Things only got crazier from there. We undressed in the living room, leaving only two piles of clothes in front of the television. I wrapped my legs around him while we kissed and he sat me on the kitchen counter. He kissed my breasts and licked my nipples sending my body into overdrive. My fingers slipped through his shaggy hair and I held onto the strands for dear life. He kissed my neck and I responded by biting his neck and licking his cheek. He chuckled before rolling the condom onto his erection and gliding into me gently. He used the kitchen counter to support my weight and he slide the length of himself in and out of me while I looked down into his jungle green eyes. God, there he is… the boy I love.

The pressure in my body started to rise in the most abnormally marvelous way. My voice couldn't rise above a whimper, so that's what I done… I whimpered in Eli's ear asking him to keep hitting this same place and then it was like a water balloon busting. I orgasmed and it flowed outward. I squirted.

This was just the beginning of our love fest. He carried me the upstairs to my bedroom and there things continued. We made love into the night. We made love as if we didn't have school in the morning. We didn't care about phone calls, text messages or the new episode of Glee coming on tonight. It was just us, our bodies twisted, linked, entwined… as one. I let Eli Goldsworthy have me every way he wanted me and I loved every fucking minute of it.

Eli

Today couldn't have gone better. I lost time making love to Clare since this afternoon. Sadly though, all good things come to an end and I have to take my leave. She walked over to me; her naked body is the epitome of beauty. I know if I don't go now this will go on all night and we will be exhausted when we hit Degrassi tomorrow.

"Are you sure you couldn't stay the night?"

"My parents should be home by now… Well at least for a week they are here. I probably need to go show my face there."

"Okay."

I kissed her goodbye and then I left. The ride home was quiet, because it was just me. This night honestly couldn't have gotten better. I pulled up in my driveway and I went through the door to see my mother and father sitting at the coffee table, with my gun on it. They both were looking stressed and distraught.

"Elijah… Sit down."

"Okay…"

"What the hell is this?"

"A gun."

"Why Elijah?"

"…."

"Answer us!"

"Because when guys were gone, before the paperwork for me to access my trust was complete I needed money for food so I sold drugs."

"Drugs! God you're just like your father?"

"Me? Geez Luna you have some fucking nerve pinning this on me! If you'd stay home with him instead of going off to fuck the neighbor's pool boy for half the year he wouldn't have had to do this."

"Guys… look I don't do that anymore. It was temporary and the gun isn't loaded."

"Eli… what is going on?"

"I told you mom. I had to eat; you guys forgot apparently that I needed food to live so I had to find a way to get it."

"We are so sorry baby. Just promise us you won't do that again."

"Promise."

"Yeah… and son I'll be taking this off your hands."

"Be my guest."

Well that put a little glitch in my perfect night but it wasn't too bad. Now instead of cloud nine I was floating on cloud eight… That's still pretty fucking high up though. I went upstairs and hit the showers. The hot water was like heaven. I wrapped a towel around my waist and I walked out into my room. I threw on some pajama pants, I turned out the lights and I went to sleep. Tonight has been a good night.

**Please leave a review! Tell me what you think! I want to hear from you…yes, you! lol. Love ya! =)**


	7. Chapter 7

Clare

I can't believe I let Alli talk me into going to a party tonight. It's a school night! I'm going to be so sleep tomorrow but hey, it's good to live on the edge every now and then. You know seize the adventure in front of you. I even lied to Eli and said that Alli and I were going to a book club meeting. Right now I'm all for spontaneous stuff and being wild and crazy but Alli has really gone overboard. She picked out my clothes!

"Alli, where is the rest of this outfit?"

"Clare, you have a rack so show it off."

"Alli, I get that concept I just didn't know I was posing for playboy tonight."

"It won't be that bad, I swear."

I went into the bathroom and put on the snug fitting t-shirt. My boobs were pushed up and together. Yeah they are getting shown off for sure, and so is my belly button. God, where goes Alli even find clothes like this? Paired with the shirt she had a pair of ripped acid jeans and heels! I looked at myself in the full size mirror and I realized what I look like now.

"Alli I can't wear this I look like a hip hop video vixen."

"Clare you watch hip hop videos?"

"Yes I do."

"Interesting… Well anyway Clare geez since you are so uncomfortable take that off and put on something Clare-ific."

"Thank you, I will."

I went into my own closet and I found something a little more…me. I kept on the skinny jeans and heels, but I opted for a white button down shirt with a black vest. Just to add a little sex appeal and shut Alli up, I left the top button of the shirt undone. See, the twins still get to have a little field trip.

"We look hot Clare."

"Yes we do… I still can't believe your parents are letting you go to this."

"They have relaxed on their rules a lot. I have to be in by one, but…"

"That's better than nothing. I wouldn't even be going if my dad wasn't out of town."

"Well lucky for us he is."

We took a taxi to the location of the party. It was on the tenth floor of a penthouse apartment. I could tell because of the strobe lights flashing through the window. We walked into the swanky place and to the elevator. Alli pushed the button and it took us to the tenth floor. The music was pulsing through the air. That's when I realized that the apartment was the entire tenths floor. There was only one door! Alli and I knocked and some guy answered the door. He had blue hair and purple braces. Interesting.

"Alli and friend! Come on in… Party is just heating up."

Once inside I realized it was more of a rave than a party. There was no furniture, a beach ball floating around on the crowd and the number of shirtless people running around with glow sticks couldn't be counted… Yup, it's a rave.  
Alli disappeared in the crowd of people, where as I stood on the side dancing at my own pace. Every now and then someone would come around and ask me if I wanted a "breath mint" I turned them down. No drugs for me tonight or any other night. The hours started to pass and I got tired. There was nowhere to sit and people bumping into me every five seconds was starting to irritate me. I started to look for Alli, but she was nowhere to be found, then suddenly some guy came up to me and ripped my shirt horizontally leaving my belly button exposed… before I could tell the guy off he was gone, maniac! He must be on drugs. I ripped the little shred of my shirt left, great, now it looks like I'm wearing a belly shirt again! I'm glad I didn't wear that t-shirt; I would have been in virtually nothing but my bra then.

I still couldn't find Alli and things only got worse from there. The door flew open and bright flashlights swept into the air. People started running and scattering like rats. Only one thing can be happening right now… The police are raiding this place. Shit. I tried running but I got knocked on my ass by this fat naked guy with glow stick liquid all over him. Before I could get up to try and escape again an officer grabbed my wrist. I still didn't see Alli anywhere.

I looked around and noticed that they were getting anyone they could get their hands on. I guess I'm just one of the "lucky" ones tonight. They put me in the patty wagon and I couldn't even muster up the emotions for tears. I'm just so disgusted right now. They took me and the other thirty or so people to the police station and put us in a holding cell. I got a sobriety test, which I passed and then my time then came for questioning.

"Clare Edwards, you seem like a good kid. What were you doing at that rave tonight?"

"I went with a friend. I didn't know it was a rave."

"Well, you passed your sobriety test and you don't appear to be on any drugs so I'm going to let you off with a warning… I won't put it on your record but we can't release you unless you have someone here to pick you up so you can make your one phone call now."

I went to the payphone and I called the one person I knew would come pick me up. The only person who really could come and pick me up…at four in the morning from the police station downtown.

"Eli?"

"Clare, why are you calling from the police station? What the fuck is going on?"

"It's a long story and I promise I will explain if you come and pick me up…"

"I'll be there in thirty minutes."

I sat patiently in the cell waiting… the thirty minutes felt like an hour, and then finally the guard came and unlocked the cell, letting me go free. When I got to the front they gave me my things back and Eli's eyes widened in shock as he looked at me… I must look like hell right now. We got into his car and we started on the ride home. It was silent at first but that didn't last long.

"What happened Clare and why the hell are you naked? Your breasts are all out; your bra is showing you only have half a shirt and you have on stripper heels!"

"I know… Alli convinced me to go to this party with her tonight and I didn't know it was a rave. While I was at the party some ripped my shirt off an…"

"Oh what fun…? Getting caught up in the moment like that."

"No, it wasn't my fault! He ran by and done it and then the police raided the place and I got arrested."

"Clare I'm so disgusted right now."

"Why?"

"Because… you lied to me."

"I'm sorry Eli. I knew you wouldn't want me to go if you knew."

"And with good reason Clare! See where it's fucking gotten you? You can act so stupid sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

I started crying in the passenger seat of Morty. Eli had no sympathy. He just rolled his eyes and exhaled like he was annoyed.

"Stop crying or I'll give you something cry about."

"Don't talk to me right now Eli!"

He pulled the car over into a shaded area…. I got out of the car and I started running. He chased after me, pulling me and making me fall back into him. He grabbed me by my hair and in an attempt to free myself I bit his hand. That only made things progress. He slapped me and I fell to the ground. I kicked him in the shin and I started running again. He caught me again and he choked me.

"Clare don't you see! You see what you are making me do! God! You don't even understand!"

I tried freeing myself this time but I was trapped. He finally let go and I fell to the ground, gasping for breath, coughing and choking but if I thought he was finished then I was wrong. He kicked me in the side and I punched him in his privates. We were both on the ground trying the catch our breath. He recovered faster than me though and before I could get away again my face was meeting his fist and his steel toe boot was making extreme contact with my knee. I shrieked out in pain from it being dislocated. He grabbed my hair to gain more control and suddenly we were face to face.

"Clare…god don't you even see! Do I have to hit you so that you will see how much I love you? I try to be nice but you see the things you do? You lie to me and do little things to fuck with me."

"I don't!"

He bit me on the arm! I yelled out in pain as I looked down at the bleeding wound. He dropped me on the ground and walked around grabbing his hair. I got up and I started limping away. My leg hurt too mad to put pressure on, nature wasn't kind me though and I tripped over a tree branch, getting his attention. I just laid there helplessly as he approached me again. My tears were stinging my face and I could hardly breathe. He might as well kill me and put me out of my misery.

"Clare… oh my god."

"Just get away!"

"I'm sorry!"

"No you aren't! You always hurt me. Just leave me alone!"

"I'm sorry Clare please; I just don't know what came over me. Please, just tell me how to help you."

"Take me to the hospital."

"Okay…"

He drove me to the hospital and I limped in. I told him not to come with me. I need to be alone right now. The nurse at the desk looked at me like I was crazy. I filled out that paperwork as much as I could without trembling and then I turned it in. Lucky for me the hospital wasn't that busy tonight and I got back quickly.

I thought I was going to have a heart attack when they put my knee back in place and when they reset my one broken rib. I got a tetanus shot because he bit me and I got stitches on the bite wound. The nurses, social workers and doctors all asked me who done this to me. I told them I didn't know because I was attacked while jogging in the woods. They left it alone, or so they say. I know they probably see this every day. They know its abuse but…. They can't make me tell them the truth.

I had to stay in the hospital overnight for observation. It was uncomfortable and cold. I wish I was in my room, in my bed. I don't want to be here in this place. I don't want to have to come here again. Things aren't getting better between me and Eli; he put me in the hospital. I mean sure we have our good times but… Our bad times aren't normal bad times, they are deadly bad times. I have to make a decision.

Eli

I feel so bad! After things were going so well between Clare and me, I just fucked it up and snapped that way. I couldn't believe it when she said she'd been in the hospital Thursday night. She didn't come to school Friday, which is understandable. What have I done to this beautiful girl? I knocked on her door Saturday morning. She answered on two crutches. Her face looked like…

"Eli, what are you doing here?"

"I came to apologize formally."

"Oh… I... I don't think I should see you anymore."

"What?"

"Eli you're always hurting me and it's not normal."

"It's our normal."

"Well I don't want it to be."

"Clare please don't do this… I love you."

"Yeah you love me to death… and that's where you are sending me, straight to the grave!"

"Don't you ever say that again!"

"Eli! You've been threatening to kill us both if I leave and that has been one of my reasons for staying besides my love for you but now I see that if I don't leave you'll kill me anyways.. It will just take longer."

"I understand Clare… Just know that I do love you blue eyes."

I walked away while she stood in the doorway, tears rolling down her cheeks. I drove off in Morty, speeding, my vision blurred with tears. I guess I've really done it, I've pushed her away. It's for the best though. She's right, it will only get worse because I destroy everything I love. Maybe I do bring death to the things I truly admire… I walked into the house. My parents were gone again for a month. How convenient for them. They are never home and I can never reach them! What was the point of even having me? I wish I'd never been born that way Julia wouldn't have died, Clare wouldn't be traumatized and I wouldn't have to cause my parents all these funeral expenses to bury me.

I wrote a letter apologizing to Clare and telling her all the things I want her to have. I also wrote one to my parents and to Adam. I put them on the coffee table where they will be noticed and I get out to the driveway. I opened the garage using the button in the house. I got into Morty and pulled into the garage. Closing the garage door behind me. I kept Morty running and I thought about all the things I've done wrong…

My next memories were that of bright lights above my head and people screaming around me. I wasn't in Morty anymore and from all the near death experience tales, I can tell I'm not dead either. Well at least not yet. There's still a chance. Well there was… the doctors gave me more oxygen and suddenly I was feeling…alive. Dammit. Well this is embarrassing and painful. I don't want to be alive.

"Eli? Can you hear me?"

"Yes."

"I'm Doctor Smith. Was this a suicide attempt?"

"Yes but no thanks to you a failed one."

"Son, we'll get you help."

"Who found me?"

"A guy named Adam. You're lucky, three minutes later and you would have been dead."

…Dammit Adam!

_**Please **_**leave a review after you read it so I'll know what you think and if I need to keep writing. Thanks!**


	8. Chapter 8

Clare

I think I'm going to die! I broke up with Eli finally yet, I hate myself for doing it. Not because he was hurt or crying, I just… I don't know. I sat on the couch sobbing and rocking. My knee was starting to hurt and I wasn't due another pain pill for an hour. So now my heart is breaking and my knee is throbbing. Something inside of me wants to take back the words that ended us yet the other half me wants to be strong and take into account my current injuries and all the others I've sustained since our relationship got physically abusive. I don't want to be one of those stupid girls though. I don't know what I want right now.

Just when I thought my personal hell couldn't get any worse there was a knock on the door. It was Drew and he looked less than joyful. I wonder what he wants. How does he even know where I live?

"Drew…What ar…"

"Adam asked me to come here. It's Eli…"

"What happened?"

"He's in the hospital."

"The hospital! What happened?"

"He tried to kill himself."

"What!"

I started to sob again. Drew just stood there looking at me like I was a weirdo or something. It's my fault Eli tried to off himself. It's my fault. Drew handed me a piece of paper and then he left. I closed the door and crutched over to the couch. I opened the envelope. It was written in Eli's scribbly hand writing.

_Dear Clare,_

_Words can't describe how hard I fell for you from the first moment we met. Something compelled me to get to know you, yet something told me not to because I would only bring you into the darkness I call my life. You were so full of light, that I was attracted to you, like a mosquito to a light bulb. Your beautiful blue eyes and your innocence sent me into a frenzy. I had to attain it, I had to have you. Though I tried to turn you away, your naivety led you right to me and by that time it hurt too much to deny you. I'm sorry for not telling you I was so destructive and I'm sorry I crushed you, like a child does a beautiful butterfly, plucking off its wings and watching it suffer. It was only from fear of losing you to someone better suited. Though that's no excuse for my behavior, my abuse of you and my violation of your body, however there is no other explanation, other than me losing control and simply hurting the one I love the most. I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you Clare. I know you believe in hell, and even though I don't, if I did I know I would deserve to go there for the wrongs I've committed against you, because you are truly good. Please don't shed any tears over me and don't hesitate to pursue whatever makes you happy, because I want you to be happy…. Blue eyes. _

_Love, Eli _

I started to sob again. Why is this happened? Why are all these things happening to me? Why did Eli try to kill himself? So many questions I have and nobody to ask! Who knows what kind of shape Eli is in! What if he's slit his wrists or taken meds. I don't even know what happened.

I caught a cab to the hospital. I walked on my crutches to the front desk, I was about to ask the nurse for Eli's room number but I saw Adam standing in the halls on the phone. I walked towards him and he gave me a sad hello.

"What happened?"

"He pulled Morty into the garage, closed the door and kept it running."

"How do you know it was suic…?"

"You read the letter didn't you?"

"Yeah."

"Clare he was planning on dying. He needs help. Not only because he tried to kill himself but also because well… you know…"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Nice shiner, lovely crutches Clare… how'd they get there?"

"It's my fault, I broke up with him."

"No Clare, its Eli's fault for hitting you. You had every right to leave just like he had every right to get help. He's my best friend and I love him… That's why I told them about his history of violence."

"What! Adam how could you?"

"Don't worry I didn't use your name. They are going to add anger management and sensitivity training into his therapy."

"Is he awake?"

"Yeah, he's reading comics and complaining about things."

"Will he…"

"Go see."

I walked into the room and I saw Eli lying there. His hair looked like he'd been on a rollercoaster ride in hell and he looked hostile while looking down at the pages of the comic. The light clicked of my crutches on the floor got his attention. He looked up.

"Dammit Adam! I told you not to let her back here!"

"Please, Adam did the right thing. I wanted to see you."

"You weren't so adamant about it earlier today."

"Eli why did you do this to yourself? I'm not worth it."  
"Clare don't you get it? To me you are worth it. A world where I can't be with you isn't a world I want to live in. When I lost Julia it nearly broke me into pieces and to know you hated me, to know I gave you every reason in the world to hate me… It blew me into smithereens."

"I don't hate you… I could never hate you Eli. I just got tired of having to hide bruises and wonder why every argument with us ended up like an MMA match."

"Well I'm getting help… I have to stay here for two days… I'm on suicide watch but after that I start counseling with Dr. Brock. It's going to be weird going to that crazy people doctor."

"It's not a crazy people doctor Eli. He can help you."

"If I get better do you think I could have another chance?"

"Eli you have another chance in a box, but you won't get the key to that box until you get help."

"Thanks Clare. Oh and there's something I want to tell you."

"What?"

"Remember when… The first time I raped you. I just remember you looking so broken, I just wanted to say that I apologize for breaking you Clare. I'm sorry for shattering your spirit."

I remember that…_It was a cold cloudy day. Eli and I had just had a big fight because I accidentally wasted coffee on one of his mint condition comics, because I jokingly made a crack at him and I mistakenly banged Morty's door into a pole and it made a huge dent. I didn't do any of these things to hurt Eli, but it was enough for him to blow his lid. I knew he was mad as soon as we got into the car. He was quiet; I hate it when he's this way. We drove to a secluded area. I figured we would keep arguing until things were settled, that's how we always do things. A few mean words and we are back on speaking terms… Not this time though._

_He came around to my side of the car and opened Morty's door. He examined the dent and then he smacked me in the face. I was so shocked that he'd hit me. I got up in an attempt to walk away but he yanked me back, close to him. He wrapped his hands around my throat and dragged me to the back of Morty while I kicked and screamed. Nobody could hear me, nobody could help me. He pulled off my underwear roughly. I tried resisting him. I didn't picture losing my virginity to Eli this way. I always thought I'd give it to him, I never imagined he would take it. I smacked him and he smacked me back and covered my mouth. My cries were now muffled. His huge erection entered me roughly. I shrieked out in pain, more tears filling my eyes. He had no mercy for me; he was rough with me, so rough it felt like my hip bones might come out of their sockets. When he was done I just lay there crying and stiff… My core was bleeding and my soul was in mourning for my innocence. "Thank you Clare, I love you." That's what he told me after ravaging my body. I looked into his eyes and though he looked like the green eyed boy my dreams were once pinned on, something was off about him. There was so much darkness surrounding him and now that darkness surrounds me. We are in the dark together._

That was a bad memory. I appreciate Eli for apologizing. Hopefully when he goes to therapy he get enough help to where that never happens again, neither than nor the beatings. This therapy has to work for Eli, for us. It just has to.

Eli

Clare left, and I was alone to think again. Being alone with my thoughts is the worst. This hospital is cold, but I'm willing to bet my grave would be colder. While some parts of me want to kill Adam for saving me, other parts want to thank him. At least now I'll be forced to go to therapy. I don't know why I resisted it all this time, when that was probably to sole thing that would have prevented the incident the other day, and my suicide attempt earlier today. This counseling just has to work; if it doesn't then I don't know what will become of me. Clare won't give me another chance if I don't change, so I have to change for Clare. This therapy has to work… It just has to.

**Guys please leave a review, let me know what you think because if you don't tell me, I won't know. Love ya! =)**


	9. Chapter 9

Clare

Alli helped me up the steps of Degrassi. I can't wait until he two weeks is up and I can get rid of these horrid crutches! Once inside everyone gave me strange looks. The black eye I once had is only a gray halo around my eye and the bruises that were around my neck have turned yellow, they are almost completely faded.

"Clare, why won't you tell me what happened?"

"There's nothing to tell you Alli. I got trampled after the rave."

"It did all this Clare, really?"

"Alli, just don't worry about it."

"It's Mr. Dark side isn't it?"

"…."

"Clare he hits you!"

"He hit me, it's in the past and he'll never do it again. He's getting help."

"You're actually going to take him back?"

"I'm sorry are you the pot or the kettle?"

"That's not the same."

"Why isn't it?"

"Because Drew never hit me."

"But he cheated."

"Fine, live in that fantasy world. I can't make your decisions for you."

"Alli trust me."

"I do trust you Clare; it's Eli I don't trust."

"Well he's changing, plus we aren't back together yet. Not until he finishes his therapy."

"Let's hope it works.

"It will."

I got my books out of my locker and told Alli I would meet up with her at lunch. I went to English where the seat in front of me was empty. It sent shivers down my spine. Though I know Eli will be back on Thursday, what if he wasn't? What if he was successful in his attempt? The thought jarred something inside me. I fell into a trance, so when Adam greeted me loudly I jumped.

"Hi Clare!"

"Adam! You scared me."

"Sorry. What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, well Eli gets out of the hospital today."

"I know."

"His parents wouldn't come home, but they may be soon hopefully."

"What? He tried to kill himself!"

"They said they aren't rushing home because he's okay now."

"How selfish. I wonder how long they've done this."

"From what Eli's told me, since he was like eight or nine… Old enough to fend for himself."

"So he raised himself."

"That's what it sounds like. You going with him to the therapist tomorrow?"

"No, why would I?"

"Because you need to talk to someone."

"No I don't."

"Clare you've been victimized."

"Keep your voice down loose lips! I don't need any help; I'm not the abusive one."

"No but you are too tolerant of abuse. Something is wrong."

"Nothing is wrong with me. That's that!"

I crutched out of the classroom before Ms. Dawes could start the lesson. She called after me, but I ignored her. I ran into Fitz and he nearly knocked me down. Before I could take the plunge he caught me and helped me steady myself by handing me my crutches.

"Saint Clare, where are you running to?"

"Don't know yet."

"You mean you are going to miss out on all that school-birdie goodness by skipping out."

"I couldn't give less of a fuck about that right now."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"No you aren't. You look different. And not just because you're all banged up. What happened anyway?"

"I was… trampled at a rave when the police raided the place."

"Hardcore!"

"Yeah I guess that is pretty hardcore."

"Look Saint Clare, I'm about to go do some community service…"

"You do community service?"

"What part didn't you hear when I said I was turning my life around? Plus, it's required for my probation."

"Oh, well what are you doing?"

"Talking to old people at the nursing home. You're welcomed to come along and they even give you a note so that Simpson won't flip."

"Sounds like a plan."

We emerged from the building and Fitz helped me down the stairs. I followed him to what appeared to be a car, but I wasn't sure because it was covered in so much rust and a slew of dents and dings. I looked at the monstrosity, fearful that if I grab the handle to get in, it might bite me, or that I might scratch myself and get lock jaw.

"Well don't just stand there Saint Clare. Hop in, she isn't as pretty as Emo boy's hearse, but she's reliable."

"If you say so."

I got in and he took off. He drives like a bat out of hell, so now I know why he picked a rust bucket for a ride. By the time we arrived at the nursing home I thought my heart was going to take wings and fly right out of my chest. I might as well have been on a ride at six flags with the way he drives. We walked in and checked in at the front desk. They gave us assigned rooms.

The first room I went to was 312, Mrs. Brownstone. I knocked and a light voice told me to come in. I entered and there was an older lady with long hair. She was brushing it. Her room was decorated in an array of tye dyed sheets and shirts. There was meditation music playing and the gentle bubbling of a mini fountain made me atmosphere instantly a Zen zone.

"Mrs. Brownstone?"

"Hello, you must be my visitor for today."

"Yes ma'am, my name is Clare."

"Well Clare it's nice to have you. Please sit, you probably shouldn't stand much you are already on crutches."

I sat down and she began talking, telling me about some of the pictures on her walls and about all the shirts and sheets. All of them had a place and a story. They meant something and most of them were from days that ended up in history books.

"And this shirt came from the love of my life Jimmy… He was really big into the idea of peace and equality. A real Age of Aquarius advocate. He was the love of my life but he had a sucker punch like a motherfucker."

"Jimmy used to hit you?"

"Yeah… don't look so surprised. Somebody put that halo around your eye. I can always tell a black eye that comes from a fist as opposed to a black eye given by something else. I've used every excuse in the book too… everything from being hit by an apple falling from a tree to being kicked by a Zebra."

"A zebra? Really?"

"Well Jimmy and I traveled a lot… We went everywhere together. India, Africa, San Francisco during the summer of Love, what a ball…"

"Did you ever leave Jimmy?"

"Well, I tried but Jimmy was… well he wasn't the type of man you could walk out on."

"Oh. What happened to him?"

"We had some heavy drug years… He died when he took acid and he thought he was a bird so he jumped off the roof of a three story building."

"Oh, I'm sorry…"

"Me too, hey I almost forgot, here you go."

She tied a bracelet around my hand. It had a peace sign weaved into the middle. It was cute and I'm willing to bet in the stores this would be ten dollars. I thanked her for the bracelet and she continued on telling me stories about her life. It was eventful for sure. Jimmy was in every story just about. I lost track of time and I got caught up in her story. Fitz knocked on the door and told me it was time to go. I told my new friend goodbye and I promised to visit her again next week. Fitz and I got notes from the nurse at the front desk and then it was back to Degrassi. This time I took the handicap ramp. I'm sick of struggling with those stairs because of my pride.

I came back just in time for lunch, oh joy; well at least I missed English and chemistry. I turned my note in to the ladies at the office so that they would not count my absences as class cutting. I crutched my way into the lunchroom where Alli was sitting with Jenna. I went over and sat at the table.

"Hi Clare, where were you?"

"Yeah Clare bear."

"Doing community service at the nursing home… Visiting the elderly."

"What a Saint Clare thing to do. Did your dad…"

"No, I rode with Fitz."

"Oh. Would Eli approve?"

"Who knows? Who cares?"

"Trouble in paradise?"

"No Jenna… No."

"Oh."

I put my head on the table and I drifted off to sleep while listening to the blurry noise of the voices in the cafeteria. The bell served as my alarm clock, waking me so that I could get to my next class. Everyone exited the cafeteria like a herd of cattle, emerging into the hallways and dividing into sections and then loading into classrooms. Me, I managed to escape to the bathroom where I stayed until the last bell of the day rang. I might as well have skipped school today, I didn't go to any classes and I don't know why.

I went to my locker after the halls had cleared a bit. I got my things out and then I started home on the crutches. This was going to be a long road, only being able to take baby steps. I got halfway there before I noticed a black hearse pull up beside me. Eli rolled down the window.

"Need a lift?"

"No thanks… I'm fine."

"Come on Clare, it's just a ride home."

"Eli, would you just let us be broken up?"

"As a friend, I'm offering you a ride."

"…."

"As a stranger on the street."

"…."

"As a person who knows you and also knows that it is about to pour down raining… Please get in."

"Straight home?"

"I put it on my Morty…"

"Promise?"

"I promise."

I got into the car with Eli. He still didn't look well and I wasn't sure he should have been driving. Yet, I was glad to be in the car when the rain came pouring down. The first half of the ride was silent… I noticed that Eli was taking the long way.

"You know there is a shortcut."

"Yeah I know…"

"You pr…"

"And I am taking you straight home; I'm just not taking the short cut. God you act like you don't want to be around me."

"…."

"I get it. Well how was your day today?"

"Horrible. I'm handicapped and the school was built for people with the use of both of their legs. Next question."

"Well, what did you do today?"

"Stayed in the bathroom, went to lunch, and went with Fitz to volunteer as a visitor at the nursing home."

"Fitz?"

"Yeah…"

"Wow."

"Wow what?"

"Nothing."

His hands were turning red as they gripped the steering wheel tighter. So tight, that the leather of the steering wheel cover squeaked. His neck was turning red to and veins were popping out. Is he going to have a heart attack? Probably not, he'll probably take out his anger… on me. It's my fault for getting into the car with him knowing he hasn't had help yet.

I felt like I was sitting beside a ticking time bomb. I was just waiting for him to explode, luckily he never did. It'd stopped raining by the time we got my place. I got out of the car and got my crutches under my arm. He glowered at me, but the look in his eyes couldn't be explained.

"Thank you for the ride."

"You're welcomed Clare."

I closed his door and I started crutching to my front door. He was still sitting there; I guess he's just making sure I get to my door okay. I went in and locked the door behind me. I then hopped over to the window to see if he was there. The black hearse was still parked there, looking menacing on its own… He stayed there for twenty minutes before I started to get…concerned.

Eli

I can't pull off right now. I don't even think I know how to put this car in drive. I don't think I could pull onto the road without killing someone or myself. So I'm staying here until my vision isn't tented by the red blanket bought on by anger. How could she do this? Move on already and with Fitz of all people! The dirty bastard! I'll bet he'll have his nasty ass hands all over her body. I could just kill him! I could literally put a bullet in his skull right now, trying to get with _my_ Clare! If I'm not worthy of her then he's doubly unqualified!

I finally pulled off and went to my house. My parents of all people were pulling up at the same time. They parked and so did I. I sat in the car for a few minutes, giving them time to get in the house, and then I went in.

"Eli?"

"What?"

"What was this about a suicide attempt?"

"Nothing mother, just a misunderstanding."

"Okay."

She's so stupid, both of them are idiots and once again I have to wish that I was never even born. They weren't fit to be parents and because they never raised me, I'm not fit to be called a human being. Stupid idiots. I went into my room and started a process of demolition, obliterating anything I could get my hands on. That included posters, records, even the comics I love so much but there were two things I couldn't annihilate…. The only picture I have of Julia that does her justice and a picture of Clare and I at a party Adam threw. I couldn't tear either of the pictures. My father knocked on my door.

"Yes father?"

"Eli, why do you have a doctor's appointment with…Dr. Brock tomorrow?"

"Because dad… I'm a nut, haven't you heard? I'm crazy dad, suicidal, woman beating, screw up! Haven't you caught wind of it yet? I thought surely it was on the news!"

"Watch your mouth kid, I'm your father."

"Are you really? Is that whore down there my mother too? I thought I was an Orphan I mean I've spent every holiday and at least 11 months out of the year alone since I was eight. I thought I was on my own… thanks for letting me know I have parents."

"You little fucking freak! Don't talk to me that way."

"What are you going to do about it?"

He took out the gun… my gun, the one that he confiscated from me. He pointed it right at my head. I've been in this position too many times recently, this time though I welcome it. This death will be much quicker and kinder than being stabbed and more efficient than being gassed… Certain death.

"Well old man, do it… Pull the trigger and put me in the shallow grave you've had buried for me since I was a child. Do it."

"Thank you son…"

He took the gun off of me and then he went downstairs. I heard two shots fired. The next thing I heard was a shriek of pain or horror. I walked slowly down the stairs until I saw it… My father had shot my mother in both her knees.

"You… you're the reason he's so fucked up! You deserve this pain and I hope you live to suffer though ever gruesome minute of physical therapy! I'm done! Finished! The house is paid for and I'll pay the utilities until he's eighteen but I'm done! Fucking slut."

He walked out the door. I was indifferent. I sat on the steps watching my mother cry and writhe in pain. She didn't know I was here. However, when she spotted me the asked for my help in calling the police.

"Eli please, call the hospital please?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm in pain."

"Are you sure?"

"Eli, why are you acting this way? Please call an ambulance."

"But they are only for dying people and you aren't dying yet."

"Eli…I don't know what you are thinking of but whatever it is baby please… please don't. I'm your mommy…"

"Hardly. Here's the phone."

I tossed her the phone and I went upstairs while she called help for herself. When the ambulance got there I just watched from my window as they loaded her in. She deserved that and so does my father and well me… let's just say I wouldn't have been devastated if he'd pulled the trigger. The idea of dead is still alluring to me, but I have a feeling if I tried again I'd only fail, so I'm doomed to walk this Earth miserably until somebody does me a kindness and puts me out of my misery. Either that or I can… try and make best of the therapy and become a "happy person" either way… It ends with me stepping into a light or falling infinitely into the darkness.

**Please leave a review, let me know what you think because remember, if you don't tell me, I don't know. Love ya!**


	10. Chapter 10

Eli

I walked into the warm office of Dr. Brock. It smelled like cookies and then I noticed a plate of sugar cookies sitting on his table. He stood up and we shook hands. I guess he saw me eyeing the cookies, because that is how the conversation started.

"I see you looking at those cookies, my wife made them. She fusses on my about my health and then she makes me treats like these… Ah, but I love her. Do you have a special person?"

"Yes, no… I don't know. Her name is Clare and she's special to me but I don't think she cares about me anymore… With good reason."

"Aw come-on, what could you have done?"

"I hit her and… violated her."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do… think about it. What could have made you hit and violate this person you care about?'

"I don't know!"

"Not an answer."

"I was mad!"

"Now we are getting somewhere…About something, or at her?"

"I don't remember."  
"Come on Eli, think about this…"

"Well… the first time I… The first time I hit her was the first time I raped her. I think I was mad at her because she wasted coffee on a rare comic that cost me a shit load, she made a huge dent in the door of my car and she made this joke about me, everyone was laughing and I guess… I don't know. I overreacted. I just remember being so angry but she looked so… I got aroused but I was still so pissed off and I wanted to appease both of those feelings so I… drove somewhere there would be nobody to help her or interrupt me and I raped her and hit her."

"Do you often get aroused and angry?"

"Sometimes one follows the other. Sometimes it happens at once."

"Did this just occur when Clare came into the picture?"

"No, my ex girlfriend Julia… I used to say mean things to her because she was a cutter and I got some kind of…rise from seeing her claw into her skin with her fingernails when she thought I wasn't looking."

"Why do you feel the need to cause pain to others?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do Eli."

"Really I just don't fucking know okay! I guess I'm just crazy."

"I want you to go home and think about that. I will see you again on Thursday."

"Sure."

I left the office. I thought he was going to help me not fucking quiz me to death. I got into the car and took a few deep breaths, my chest is tight and I'm light headed, I guess it's just being out in the fresh air after breathing in cookies for an hour…. I looked at my watch. Clare is going to be out of school by now.

I sped to Degrassi and made it just as she was coming out of the door. She was walking with Alli and KC? What the hell does he want with her…? Calm Eli, calm… I rolled down the window.

"Clare, want a ride?"

Alli eyed me evilly while KC grabbed Clare's backpack protectively. She whispered something to them and they eased off. She crutched down the steps and got into the car. Alli still seemed a little iffy.

"Alli, chat with you tonight?"

"Of course. On time this time geez!"

"Bye."

I took off and Clare sat quietly on the other side of Morty. Her perfume right now is simply intoxicating. I tried to think of something to ask her other than how her day was and what she done, but I couldn't… well at least I couldn't ask any questions other than that without having her say something that might upset me.

"How was your day?"

"It was better…How was therapy?"

"Useless."

"Well the results won't be instant."

"Well why not? If it takes years for me to get fixed then that means it will be years before I can be with you again Clare and I don't want to wait that long…"

"Try and be positive. Please?"

"Sure."

"Other than therapy, how was your day?"

"It was okay. Saw my parents yesterday."

"That's great."

"My dad shot my mom."

"What! Eli! Are you okay?"

"Clare you are overreacting, I'm fine."

"You saw it? Is he in jail?"

"No he left, but he pointed the gun at my head."

"Eli! Oh my god! You have to…"

"I have to do what Clare?"

"I don't know."

"I wish he'd pulled the trigger."

"Well I don't"

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"Well you should."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Stop yelling at me Edwards."

"I'm sorry Eli."

Clare

Eli and I argued today. While arguing is usually a bad thing I was happy it happened. This is the first disagreement we've had in ages where he didn't snap and hit me, or say or do something to break my spirits. It was normal. Normal is what I need right now. The pregnancy ball missed me the first time but this time I have a feeling I won't be so lucky. I can pray that I'm not but that is all I can do.

Eli told me goodbye as I got out of Morty and he grabbed my hand. I felt something that resembled guilt. I guess because I haven't told him that I might be pregnant. God, I'm so stupid. I get out of the woods once and I wander back in. I guess I just never learned. It's just that when lust surrounds the air around him and he gives me that look with those jungle green eyes I lose it and all bets are off… My panties come off and the only care I have is getting off.

I went inside the apartment and saw there was a message on the machine. It was my dad saying that he payed the bills for another month because the deal was taking a few weeks longer to close than he thought. He promised to call Monday. Sounds like a plan. I placed my crutches beside the door and looked outside, the black hearse was gone. I called Alli.

"Hey Clare, are you okay?"

"I'm fine… Come over now, I'm home and bring it."

"Okay, this is so weird. I always thought I'd be first to need one of these things."

"Alli…"

"Okay okay."

Thirty minutes later Alli arrived with a box of tissues, a jar of pickles and a pregnancy test. She even had the decency to get the one that simply said "pregnant or not pregnant." God bless her. I took the test into the bathroom and I peed on the stick. Then I let Alli in and we waited. Five minutes felt like five days. Then the timer went off and it was the moment of truth. I can't look at the stick.

"Well Clare, it looks like… you should stock up on diapers and formula."

"No, please tell me you are kidding."

"I kid you not. Don't cry Clare."

"I can't help it. Eli is not mentally stable for a baby and I'm just all around not ready. I just wish… I wish things were different."

"You don't have to have it."

"What do you mean?"

"Like an abortion."

"Alli I can't do that."

"Adoption."

"No, not that either… Alli I just, I can't be pregnant."

"Clare I know you are pro-life but just think about it. You only have a few months though."

Thought abortion is wrong my mind was already made up. I can't bring a baby into this world. I'm not fit. I can't let Eli know either. Or should I… My conscience was eating me up. I decided to call him.

"Clare?"

"Eli, I have to tell you something."

"What's up?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Wow."

"I think I'm going to get an abortion."

"What! You haven't even heard my say."

"Eli! We aren't fit for a baby and my life is already so complicated."

"And you're supposed to be such a saint."

"No! I didn't give myself that nickname, it was given to me and I never said I was perfect."

"Clare do what you want. I just wish you wouldn't kill us."

"What?"

"Us… Just go ahead and kill the best parts of us that are growing in you right now."

"Eli just stop it! This is why I didn't want to tell you! I knew you'd try to change my mind."

"Damn fucking right I'm trying to change your mind Clare. Just, can we talk about this is person. You can bring along a friend and it can be in public I just need to see you while we talk about this Clare. This isn't like having your dog put to sleep, this is big… This is big; this is a person Clare, a baby!"

"Fine, meet me at the Dot in twenty minutes. Bring Adam and I will bring Alli."

"Okay."

Alli and I started walking to the Dot. I still couldn't stop crying; now I'm even more confused than I was before. What the fuck am I going to do? We arrived at the Dot and the black hearse was parked in front. Alli and I walked in, well I crutched in at least and Eli and Adam were sitting at a table in the back corner of the restaurant. I greeted Peter and then I went and sat down. Eli looked at me in a way I couldn't explain.

"Clare… Don't abort this baby."

"What else is there to do?"

"Have it. Raise it."

"Eli, look at us. You are…"

"Crazy, a fuck up, abusive?"

"…yes."

"That's the first time you've agreed to me saying that."

"Well this isn't the time for things to be sugar coated. A baby needs stability."

"So we will put it up for adoption."

"That would still mean I'd have to be pregnant Eli."

"Adam and Alli, could we have some privacy? Please?"

"Sure dude."

"Clare, whistle if you need me. Come on Adam, you can tell me about how miserable Drew is without me."

"Oh joy."

Eli moved over to the seat beside me. He slid close to me and wrapped his arms around me while I was crying. What am I going to do? I don't want to kill this baby but I know I can't keep it. The real reason I don't want to have it and give it away is because it would hurt too much. I'm so confused right now.

"Clare, we argued today. We are arguing now."

"What's your point?"

"My point is that I can get better. Sure, it will take a jizz load of sessions with Dr. Brock and his sugar cookie office but Clare we can be okay."

"It's a baby Eli."

"I know."

"A baby."

"I know that."

"You can't even take care of yourself."

"Hey, I have a fish."

"Wow and that's equivalent to an infant."

"Well we can learn to be good parents. We can take classes."

"We can't afford the baby."

"Yes we can."

"I can't."

"Yes you can."

"Shut up."

"Ouch Edwards you hurt my feelings."

"Whatever."

"Clare, in the end I know you have the final say and you call the shots since it's your body and all but this baby is going to be special. It might not be the next Bill Gates or Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley but it will still be extraordinary because it will be a life we made."

He wiped the tears that were constantly streaming from my cheeks with his scarf. I couldn't stop crying. I just couldn't stop. Eli gave me something to think about but now I need to decide on my own what I need to do. I just need some peace and quiet to think and then tomorrow… I can go to a clinic and talk to a doctor about either maternity care or… abortion specialists.

"Come with me to a clinic tomorrow?"

"Of course."

Eli dropped Alli and me off at my place and then he and Adam drove off. I got to my door and just as I was unlocking it I saw a shadow approaching me. Alli screamed but I stood still. That's when I noticed that it was Fitz.

"Fitz?"

"Hey Clare, I just came to be a bearer of bad news."

"What is it?"

"Ms. Brownstone passed away."

"What?"

"Yeah… It was over in the night when she was asleep… They say she looked peaceful though and she was happy all that day."

"Oh my god."

"Um, but there is something else, she left you this."

He handed me a huge box filled with shirts and jewelry and journals and photos. I was so overwhelmed. The nice old lady that had been my new friend earlier this week was not in an eternal rest, probably with Jimmy again. Hope he's nicer this time around.

"Why did she leave all these things to me?"

"Probably because all her kids died and you were the first visitor she's had in her ten years there."

"Oh. Thanks Fitz do you know when the services will be?"

"She was cremated, but I don't know about a service, I'll have to see."

"Thanks for telling me and dropping this off."

"No problem. Hey, why were you just crying?"

"Oh it's nothing."

"Didn't look like nothing."

"Could I tell you later?"

"Sure Saint Clare. See you around?"

"Sure."

He got into his rust bucket car and drove away. Alli helped me get into the house with the huge box. She then looked at me strangely as if she had a million questions to ask but she didn't know where to start.

"I have a million questions to ask but I don't know where to start. Since when do you hang with Fitz?"

"Since, I ditched with him Monday to do community service."

"Any spark?"

"No, he's sweet and funny but there's no spark."

"Sure… So I got caught up listening to Adam's tale or Drew's midnight crying and I didn't eavesdrop. What was Mr. Dark side saying?'

"He wants to keep the baby."

"Clare you know you get the last say right?

"Yes, and he knows it too…. We are going to the clinic tomorrow to talk to someone."

"Well, whatever you decide I'm by your side, I mean what else are friends for right?"

"Right… God Alli I don't know how I would be getting through this if you hadn't come back."

"I don't know either. Now let's eat something chocolate, warm and fattening."

"My thoughts exactly."

**Please leave a review if you read. Thanks! Love ya ! =)**


	11. Chapter 11

Clare

I'm so sleepy. I feel like I might topple over face first into this plate of eggs and pancakes. I didn't get any rest last night. I was up thinking about what I was going to do. Before Eli and went to the clinic we stopped at this little diner for breakfast. He's being somewhat civil this morning.

"You look sick Clare."

"I'm just tired, so tired."

"Well after all of this, you can go home and sleep."

"I have to go to school Eli."

"You don't have to Clare."

"Bad influence."

"Baby mama."

"Ha ha…"

"What did you decide anyway?"

"Don't know."

"Oh."

I'm literally tearing myself apart on the inside. Part of me is yelling at me to keep the baby while the other half of me is kicking me in the brain and telling me to just nix it before it becomes a problem. Is that really a good excuse though? I just wish there was some unbiased person to make this decision for me.

We left the diner and went to the clinic. There weren't many people there yet, but folks were starting to crowd in. We signed in and they called us back ten minutes later. I peed in a cup and they took some blood.

"Ms. Edwards you have dodged the bullet."

"What! I took a test."

"Sometimes they give off false positives."

"Well, this is a relief."

"Well next time you might not be so lucky, be careful… You and the young man."

"My name is Eli."

"Well Eli, if you and Clare are going to be sexually active be sure to use a condom every time and Clare, if you really want to be extra safe then get on some type of birth control."

"Okay. What are my options?"

"There's the pill, the patch, the shot, a ring you put in side you, and insert that we place surgically in your arm and finally the sponge."

"Gross a sponge?"

"Yes, a sponge."

"When could I start?"

"Today."

"I want to get the shot."

"Okay, I'll just need you to fill out some paperwork first."

I wiped the sweat off my brow. I must be one fucking lucky duck. I missed the pregnancy bullet not once, but twice. Geez, I am on top of the world right now. Eli absent mindedly ran his finger nails across my jeans while I filled out the forms. The sound was making me crazy.

"Goldsworthy can you quit?"

"Sorry, I got in a trance. Relieved much?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah me too… I didn't realize you would freak out like this."

"What do you mean?'

"Well a few months ago… I tried to get you pregnant."

"What!"

"I know, I know… I just thought a baby would bond us for eternity."

"Eli."

"Clare…"

"Fill out your forms. So… if I ask you a question will you be honest?"

"Depends on if I think the answer will piss you off."

"I've been hearing things… Well last night I went back to the Dot and I overheard people saying that you and Fitz were getting cozy. Is it true?"

"No."

"Are you lying?"

"No. He's my friend. That's all… Eli, we are broken up, you do remember that don't you?"

"Unfortunately."

"Look, if you wanted to test the waters I wouldn't mind. Otherwise what is the point of breaking up?"

"What happened to getting back together?"

"It's still a possibility."

"You're making that possibility sound really slim."

"We could always be friends if we didn't get back together."

"Yeah, friends."

Eli wasn't mad and I couldn't believe it, yet there was a look of utter defeat in his eyes. He looked like he'd found snot in his cornflakes right after the neighborhood bully killed his dog. I wanted to reach out and touch him but I didn't, for fear of his reaction. I don't know why I said what I said knowing good and damn well I'm not moving on… Knowing good and damn well that I will die inside if Eli does. Maybe that's what I want, to die inside. Somehow I'm setting myself up to commit emotional suicide.

I took Eli's advice and I skipped school for today. My knee is all achy anyway. I went into my place and lay down on my bed. Though I was dog tired, I struggled with getting to sleep for fear that Eli would actually take my words to heart and find another girl. The thing that bothers me about that is that she wouldn't just be getting the jealous, angry, crazy Eli, she would be getting the sweet, funny, slightly dorky Eli. My Eli!... I changed my mind. If I can't have that Eli then nobody else can either.

After coming to that conclusion in my head I went to sleep. This is nice, maybe I will skip out on tomorrow to sleep too. I mean I could really get used to this. Sleeping in the middle of the day, very taboo thing for me to do. I could get used to it though.

Eli

Well that settles it I guess. I will never get Clare back. She has booted me over to the friend zone. It's my own fault though. I'll just be celibate for the rest of my life… Okay, so I'm lying. I have a sex drive like a rabbit… So I'll fuck but I won't love again. Not unless it's Clare, at least I don't think I will. How about if I just leave things up to chance?

I changed my therapy session with Dr. Brock to today. Luckily he was open. He didn't start with the questions we ended with at the last session luckily. It was something different. I told him about my resentment and anger towards my parents and he told me they are the reason for my abandonment issues and inferiority complex. He also suggested that the reason I feel the need to control every aspect of my life and the one person who got close enough to me is because I think I know what's best since I've had to figure out what was best for myself since I was eight. Control issues would sum it up. The session was very insightful, although I wouldn't say it helped me I did learn a few things about myself.

As I was walking out of the Dr. Brock's office I noticed a girl sitting in the corner. She was staring right at me when I came through the door. Her eyes were the color of coffee and her hair was jet black and short, in some kind of spiky style. She looked nice, but the tattoos covering her chest and neck said otherwise. I started walking but then she spoke.

"So, you're the new guy."

"Excuse me?"

"The new guy to Dr. Brock's nutso family? I'm Kimberly. I'm a sex addict. What are you in for?"

"That's personal."

"Aw come on."

"I tried to kill myself…"

"And?"

"I have violence issues."

"Let me guess you…beat up homeless people?"

"No."

"Parents?"

"I wish."

"Girlfriend, boyfriend?"

"Girlfriend."

"Well I wasn't that far off… I don't even actually know why I'm here."

"To get therapy."

"No, my session isn't until three hours for now. I think I just came here looking for a guy to have sex with so I can have something good to say in therapy."

"Interesting."

"So what do you say suicide? Appease my addiction?"

"Well…"

I thought about it. The offer was tempting but in the end I decided not to. She might have AIDS or something and I don't want to catch anything… Especially something I can't get rid of. I turned her down politely, but she slipped me her business card before I left the building. She's a stripper. Who would have ever guessed?

I left Dr. Brock's office and I turned my phone back on. There was a text from Clare saying something that I've never heard or felt from her before. It said:** I changed my mind. If I can't have you then nobody can.** Guess that means I'm not in the friend zone anymore? Guess that means if I try to date she will kill me? Though most guys would be warded away by these words, I'm taking it as a sign that she still cares about me. She's really starting to love me to death.

I went to the Dot where I was supposed to be meeting Adam. He was sitting with Drew and they were looking at girls. Those Torres brothers, always chasing tail. I sat down at the table and they both looked at me awkwardly.

"What? Do I have cookie crumbs on my face or something?"

"No, you just don't look like yourself Eli."

"What are you talking about Adam?"

"Dude Adam is right you look… you don't look dead."

"So you are saying I looked dead?"

"Usually you have that pale casket skin unless you are mad then it's red."

"Geez thanks for your awesome compliments."

"Sorry, you just look… you are glowing. So how went the doctor's visit papa?"

"I'm not going to be a dad. False positive."

"Great dude. Hey are you okay?"

"I'm great Adam."

"Well… then I can tell you some interesting news."

"What?"

"You know the new girl?"

"Which new girl?"

"In English! The quiet one with the caramel skin and curly hair. The little quiet cute one?"

"What about her?"

"She likes you."

"Me?"

"I saw it in her sketch book… she drew you Eli. Not only that but she wrote your name with hearts around it."

"Well… that is… I've never even talked to her."

"This gives you one hell of an incentive to start, unless you and Clare are back together or something."

"No we aren't but…"

"Nothing wrong with testing the waters man… I mean I tested them when I was still with Alli and that didn't turn out so well but you are single. Nothing is holding you back."

"Just a little testing won't hurt right? Is she on chat?"

"Yeah."

"Awesome."

**Please leave a comment after you read this. Tell me what you think. Remember, if you don't tell me, I won't know! =) Love ya! **


	12. Chapter 12

Eli

The little chat online with the new girl, better known as Rose, was nice. She was into the same kind of music as me and we showed off some of our drawings by scanning and sending. The most she will ever be to me is a friend, and I think she knows that. However, I made sure she knew I was single before the end of the three hour long conversation.

The next day I pulled up to Degrassi. I looked around hoping to see Clare or Adam but neither was in sight. I went into the building alone and I went to my locker. As I was approaching it I noticed Rose getting something out of her locker, our lockers are close?

"Hey new friend."

"Oh, hi Eli. How are you today?"

"I'm fine, you?"

"I'm good… hey that picture of the mother and child was sick."

"Came from the heart."

"Well I will see you in class."

"I'll walk with you, wait up."

On the way to class we talked more about our drawings and music and comics… although she likes to draw the characters, not actually read them. Either way, it's still pretty cool that she is sort of into them. We walked into the classroom and I wasn't expecting to see Clare sitting there staring at the door. When she saw Rose and I come in together her face turned red and her blue eyes had a fire growing in them.

"Ms. Dawes? I forgot something in my locker, can Eli help me?"

"Oh of course Clare."  
I followed her cautiously. She looks so mad; I have never witnessed Clare's anger before. Not any of the times we've argued or any of the times I done her wrong but now I think I may have pissed off Clare Edwards. The hallways were clear. We got to her locker and stopped there.

"What'd you forget?"  
"This!"

She swung one of her crutches hitting me in the side. Shit that hurt! She then proceeded to swing it until she nearly lost her balance. By the time she was done I was on the floor my lip a was bleeding, I was throbbing all over and I had some blood trickling down from my head.

"Talk to Rose again and you will both be pushing up Daisies."

What just happened here? Did Clare just beat me up? Did I just become the victim? I think I did… but I guess I deserve to be hit. I deserve to be run over because of all the things I've done. At least this proves that she cares for me.

I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked at my face, shit it was worse than I thought. There were a host of bloody lacerations all over my face. There were places on my body that were red and stinging; those are definitely going to bruise. I'm so confused right now I… what the hell is going on? Fitz came into the bathroom.

"Whoa emo boy what the hell happened to you?"

"I just lost five dollars in a chicken fight at Montreal."

"What?"

"What?"

The rest was darkness.

Clare

Oh my god, what did I do? I watched as they rolled a hardly conscious Eli out of the school. Everyone started to whisper and everyone started to push the rumor mill. They would naturally blame it on Fitz, but this time his hands are clean. Eli can't tell on me, I didn't tell on him. That's settled. After the spectacle was over everyone went back into the classroom. I decided to have a little chat with Rose. She was sketching in her little book.

"Rose?"

"Oh, hi… Clare right?"

"Yeah. You are aware that Eli and I are dating right?"

"You are? He told me he was single, last night, on chat and then the phone."

"Well he lied to you. So look, you are going to keep your distance from him, okay?'

"Why? I never turn down the opportunity for a new friend."

"Suit yourself."

I sat back in my regular seat and I started to plot in my head. Something has to be done to stop her reign of terror. She just can't go around befriending people's ex boyfriends this way. She's a menace and I know just the thing to fix a menace like her.

I waited all day, until all the classes were over. I found her in the hallways and walked behind her. Then we got out to the steps of Degrassi and I put my crutch in her foot's path. She tumbled down the stairs, breaking her leg to the point that the bone ripped through the skin. Looks like it will need surgery. People crowded around her, particularly at the moment, Jenna. She called an ambulance and tried to keep Rose calm. Time for me to act concerned.

"Oh my god, Rose are you okay?"

"Stay away from me!"

"Clare, she's just hysterical right now."

"I can see why. Rose, it was an accident, I didn't know we would get all tangled up."

"Just keep your distance psycho!"

"Suit yourself."

Eli

Great, now I'm in this cold ass place again. At least they don't have me on suicide watch this time, though they do want to know what happened to me. There is now way I would rat on Clare, after all the secrets she's kept. I really had this coming… Clare came in on her crutches with a get well soon balloon in hand.

"I'm so sorry Eli; I don't know what came over me."

"Neither do I."

"Forgive me?"

"Of course."

"I just also thought I should tell you that your secret girlfriend is here… She had an incident."

"Clare?"

"What? She fell down the stairs, just like you did."

"What's gotten into you?'

"Same thing that was in you a few weeks ago Eli, rage…"

"I understand."

"Good, now remember… If I see you so much as look her way I will fuck her up and send you her teeth in a Zip lock bag."

"Well then you stop hanging with Fitz."

"No."

"No? The fuck you, I'm going to hang with Rose."

Clare started crying. I don't know what the hell is going on with her lately, bit its worrying me, and not just because I got my ass handed to me on a silver platter, because she's starting to be reckless and dangerous to people other than me.

"Don't cry Clare, she's just a friend like Fitz is your friend."

"Fine… Whatever."

"See you later?'

"Of course"

What the hell really just happened this morning? Seriously.

**Please leave a review after you read it, otherwise how else am I supposed to know people are actually reading it?lol. Love you guys =)**


	13. Chapter 13

Eli

She's a fucking liar. Clare and I have been back together a month. It's been that long since she hit me and tried to kill Rose. When we got back together we both agreed to stop hanging around our new "friends" because it would only cause conflict and here she is, out with Fitz all snuggled into a booth eating ice cream. Her bra is showing and she has on too much makeup, guess it's a date. The flower wrapped around her wrist proves that much. She told me she was going to be hanging with Alli tonight. I knew she was lying when Alli and Jenna came into the Dot when Clare was supposedly supposed to be with her. I tried shaking off my suspicions by doing a bit of retail therapy. I came to the mall… Then there they were… in one of the little specialty ice cream shops sharing a waffle bowl, giggling and their legs were touching… they shared a quick peck on the lips….

Jealousy consumed me and suddenly all the anger control techniques Dr. Brock taught me were nowhere to be found in my mind. I got mad. Really mad. I started to plan things out, and then I stopped myself. I can't… I just wish she hadn't cheated on me. Sorrow blended in with my anger and I could barely think straight. I forgot why I was even in this wretched place, so I left. I went to my car and I drove. I ended up at Clare's place. I parked on the other side of the complex so that she wouldn't see me and I waited. How dare she break the promise she made to me when I kept up my end of the deal? If she'd just been having and innocent outing with Fitz, which could have slid by, but no…she had to do the fucking ultimate. She had to take it to another level and cheat on me!

I should leave this parking lot and go home…but I'm not going to. I need to see Clare. I need to see the desperation in her eyes as she thinks of an excuse or either a damn good apology. I need to see that she still cares about me and that I'm still her number one. If I don't see that then who knows where this night could take us.

Fitz's raggedy ass car pulled up ten minutes later. She got out but not before giving him another quick kiss. He bit his lip and watched her walk away then he took off. She went into the house and ten minutes later she called me.

"Hello?"

"Hey Eli, what are you up to? Want to spend the night?"

"We have to talk first; I want to take a drive. Can I pick you up?"

"Sure."

Ten minutes later I pulled around front. Clare got into the car anxious and waiting. The outside was tranquil, but inside its like magma is churning around in my heart, I'm about to blow… I started driving, I don't know where to but… somewhere.

"Eli, what's the matter?"

"I trusted you Clare… I trusted you and you made me look like a fool!"

"What?"

"I saw you tonight. Kissing Fitz, not once but twice. All cuddled up to him with your legs touching and your bra showing."

"…."

"Say something Edwards."

"I'm sorry Eli. Fitz just…he was so sweet an…"

"Sweet? Isn't that what I've been trying to be for the past month! I've been more than sweet! I've been fucking saccharine! But sweet isn't what you want from me right? No… you want the ugly side of me right? You like it when I'm not myself don't you? You fucked up, twisted whore! You like it don't you?"

Clare

Eli got silent and he kept driving. I don't think he will hit me, he's better now right? I shouldn't have kissed Fitz. I just should not have kissed Fitz, it just happened. I didn't even know Eli was watching, but I guess that is what I get. Eli pulled onto a little off road trail and we sat there.

"Eli, talk to me please?"

He punched me in the jaw and my head hit the window. I tried hitting him back, in fact I did hit him back but it did nothing. Eli was gone again and there was this boy with only anger in his eyes. I tried to open the door to get out but he grabbed me before I could. I fought against him pointlessly. He choked me and pushed me under him…..

An hour we were still sitting there. He'd released his anger on me, in me. Blood soaked through my dress. He's never been so rough when he's forced me to have sex with him. Maybe that was his goal though, to hurt me and make me bleed. To bruise me and make me cry. He was sitting behind the wheel looking out the window and smoking a cigarette. He handed me a handkerchief without even looking at me. I used it clean the blood that was dripping from my nose and lips.

"I suppose now you'll want to break up for good. Start dating Fitz full time?"

"No. I still want you Eli."

"Then why did you do it Clare? Why?"

"I don't know Eli! I just did it."

"Whatever."

"What can I do to make you believe that I want you?"

He shrugged his shoulders and wiped one lonely tear. It was painful to move but I opened the door and I tried to walk. He got out too and stopped me, picking me up and putting me back in the car gently. My hips and legs hurt…

"Clare I swear you will be the death of me."

"Then you'll be the death of me I guess."

"What are we going to do about this relapse I had?"

"Tell Dr. Brock?"

"Come with me."

"Okay."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"No…they will want to do a rape kit and the bleeding is probably done now."

"I apologize."

"Thanks."

Eli took me home and carried me into my place. He apologized again and then he left. I walked to the shower and it looked like a scene from a horror film. So much blood was falling from me, but the hot water did feel good on the forming bruises on my back. The pain in my core was starting to decrease too. After I got out of the shower, I put on warm pajamas and I went to bed. I asked Alli to get my assignments for tomorrow.

Eli

I lost it… I simply lost it. I was doing well but I snapped. I fucking snapped and I relapsed into my cycle of abusiveness. I stayed up until dawn and then I called Dr. Brock to schedule an emergency appointment.

"Eli?"

"Dr. Brock, I have to come in today… I did something bad last night."

"Okay Eli, just stay calm, come see me at eight."

"Okay."

I showered and put on fresh clothes, and then it was time to go to the therapist's office. It smelled like cookies, like always and sat there, looking inviting. When he saw me he looked rather alarmed though, I guess I probably do look like hell.

"Eli are you well today?"

"No. I stayed up all night… I've been doing so well lately but I caught my Clare, with another guy…on a date and I snapped… I raped her and hit her again and things were bad."

"Eli, that is a problem, but at least you are realizing you needed to seek help. Now start at the beginning."

**Please leave a review, you know, tell me what you think... please? Thanks!**


	14. Chapter 14

Clare

I was at my locker getting my things out, when Jenna walked by and said something less than nice about me. Seems like she's looking for trouble and she's going to get it.

"Look at Clare, she's so fat… KC basically jumped on the opportunity to leave Ms. Piggy. No wonder she can only get a freak."

"Bitch you have something to say to me? Oh and newsflash you're not so slim these days."

"I'm pregnant fat ass."

"Yeah, so where is the lucky motherfucker, oh yeah that's right… he told you he wanted jack shit to do with you."

"Well at least KC was normal."

"No, KC was a fucking nutcase so you better be careful, genes like that are dominant usually…"

"I could kill you right now."

"I'd like to see you try. You think you're all that Jenna… you got rejected by even the nicest guy in school… You're nothing but dirt on the ground, no you are less than that… you are a microscopic organism in that dirt on the ground. Pretty soon, when you have your baby you'll have to quit school and then you'll have to get money by whoring… but you're used to that by now right?"

Her face turned red and her eyes filled with tears. She was trying to say something back but the words never formed. The powersquader she was walking with pulled her away and I turned around, less than affected. People were crowding around looking at me in shock and awe. Adam suddenly appeared at my locker.

"So I heard you just mentally nuked Jenna Middleton, she's crying so hard right now."

"Bitch deserved it, she started it."

"Wow Clare… you're really a badass now."

"No young Adam, I'm not… It's kind of funny because there is at least one person who can make me cry like she's doing now."

"Where is the old boy anyway?"

"He left for therapy; he should be back by now."

"Speak of the devil… oh my gosh, what the hell!"

I looked to see what Adam was in an uproar about. Eli's hair was gone! It was gone! I walked to him and grabbed his face. He looked shocked and he scowled at me.

"Eli, baby what did you do to yourself? Why? Why'd you cut your hair off? Why!"

"Who are you? What do you know about Eli?"

"You're not Eli… I can tell by your voice."

"This is weird."

"Adam say that again."

"This is weird."

"Not literally."

"Look, what do you two know about Elijah Goldsworthy?"

"Well if there is anything to know then Clare will know it, she's his girlfriend."

"He's my brother… Twin brother and I need to talk to him so that I can find out where our parents are, I haven't seen them in months."

"Oh well he should be back a…"

"Clare? Adam… What the hell is going on? Who the hell are you? An alien clone?"  
"No... Elijah, I'm your twin brother Elyot. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Twin brother, I'm an only child."

"No, you aren't. I didn't know you existed until… well that's not important but I haven't seen mom or dad in months. Any clue where they are?"

"Dad shot mom and ran away and mom is staying in a physical therapy home while she learns how to walk again because dad did shoot her in both knees."

"What! This is crazy."

"Well that's what it is okay! What do I even know about you anyway?"

"I'm your brother obviously… Your girlfriend here thought you'd cut your hair off."

"Clare really?"

"Well I haven't seen you in hours… That is more than enough time for you to have a nervous breakdown."

"Yeah man, we both thought he was you."

"Well he's not."

"I know I'm not! So really…. Where are my parents?"

"Our parents… And they are where I said they were, would you like to visit mom?"

"You're not joking?"

"No."

"Shit."

"What got you curious?"

"I couldn't reach them and the house got foreclosed. I had to put everything that mattered in storage. I've been living in my car."

"Well… since apparently we are really related you can crash at the house I was raised in, but if you steal from me you are dead."

"No need… Trust from grandma."

"Did they try to kill you too?"

"They talked about it."

"Motherfuckers."

Elyot went out to his car while Eli took a deep breath. I hugged him and I kissed his cheek. He looked at me and he looked confused. I ran my fingers through the hair I love so much and he shook his head. I'm guessing now is a horrible time to tell him what I have to tell him.

"You two might want to jump out of that lover's embrace. Simpson's coming."

"Oh shit…"

"Oh shit what Clare?"

"While you were gone, Clare emotionally murdered Jenna Middleton… but word is that pregnant sunshine started it."

"Clare? Being a meanie? I'm so shocked!"

Simpson approached us and he looked at me like he was trying to decide what to say  
"Ms. Edwards this is your last strike. You've been acting out lately and I'm seriously considering getting your father in for a conference. So young lady be on your best behavior or else."

"Yes Mr. Simpson."

"Alright then. Mr. Goldsworthy, Mr. Torres, don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Yes Mr. Simpson."

After Mr. Simpson left sight we all took off towards the back entrance of the school. I was surprised to see Adam following us. I guess he and Fiona are taking a breather today? Whatever the case I don't mind him being here. It sort of feels like the gang is back together.

We went to where Eli's car was parked and well I got sort of a shocker. Elyot drove a hearse too, except that his was white. I guess Morty sort of has a twin too. Adam, Eli and I hopped into Morty and Elyot followed us. We ended up at the physical therapy home. Adam and I decided to stay in the waiting room.

Eli

This is fucking crazy and I want answers now! A brother! A twin brother? This is beyond suspenseful and I want this broke down bitch who is supposed to be my… our…mother to tell the entire truth. Elyot and I walked into the room and she looked shocked.

"Hello mother, remember me? Elyot…"

"How'd you get here?"

"Well when the bank foreclosed on the fucking house I had to sort through things to find out what to put in storage and what to nix… I found some picture of Eli and then I ran upon the address for the second house."

"I suppose you want to know why."

"Yes that would be fucking nice!"

"Elyot, you boys grandma was rich and dying. She was going to leave everything to me and your dad's offspring, but she was going to leave a quarter of what was left to us. We figured if we let her know we had twins then we would get less money so we separated you guys and then Eli of course you know your grandfather's situation. It all came down to money. We couldn't get any without you two fucking brats but we got only the crumbs because of you. So to be fair we plotted to leave you both alone long enough to let you starve because that is the only way we could get the money in your trusts, if you died of natural causes. You wouldn't. It's crazy because both of you were able to access your trusts at the same time. The only difference between you is that Eli's grandfather bought the house in full. You boys are so lucky and now you have each other. So wonderful… A suicidal maniac and a faggot. The perfect family. You can have that damn house though. I found a man and he's going to set me up real nice!"

"Thank you mother dear, thank you for making this easier for me. I just want to say thanks."

"You're welcomed son of mine… Eli, don't you want to thank your mother?"

"No, I don't have one."

We left the room and Elyot looked pissed. I must admit that I am too. This is a new low, even for that woman. She's the stuff of horror tales… People like her should be sterilized and made to work for what they get instead of piggy back off of people's death and plots to murder their offspring.

"So we have a lot to talk about. I will go drop my best friend and Girlfriend off at their places and…since you have the address to the house I'll assume you know where it is. So you can go there and I'll come back with a couple of pizzas."

"Sounds good."

Clare and Adam got into Morty. I cranked up the car and Clare grabbed onto my arm. I looked down at her and she had worry in her eyes.

"Clare I'm an orphan."

"What! You two killed your mother?"

"No silly… it was all about money."

"Well Eli, I know you may not see the silver lining but maybe you and Elyot can be a family."

"Yeah… Me, you, Elyot and Adam a family."

"Sounds great."

I dropped Clare and Adam off at the Dot and I got two pizzas from the parlor down the street. When I got to my place it was weird to see a white hearse parked in the driveway. I parked Morty beside the car. I noticed a little sticker that said "Mortso"… I guess that's his car's name. Morty and Mortso that is an interesting pair. I got in the house and he was just sitting on the couch. I put the pizza's down along with two huge bottles of root beer and the information session commenced.

"So Elyot, tell me about yourself."

"Well… of course I'm your age. As of right now I'll be starting Degrassi Monday. I went and registered while you dropped off your girlfriend and friend and I'm not really gay like mom said. Did she ever try to do anything with you?"

"Gross no! Did she ever feed you soap?"

"No."

"We need therapy. I'm already in therapy."

"Shit. I probably need some... but that's why she thinks I'm gay. I turned her down."

"Well this is the place we'll be living."

"Cozy… dark… I like it. You tried to off yourself?"

"Yeah. It's a long story."

"I understand. Your girlfriend is pretty. She seems to love you a lot."

"Yeah she does… more than I deserve actually. We have had some extraordinarily rough times."

"As with any relationship. Call me crazy but I feel like…."

"Like you have been holding your breath and you finally let it go?"

"Exactly."

"Agreed."

So I have a brother and he's my twin and… I think this was a good thing. Sure, I found out that the woman who birthed me had many more issues than I gave her credit for; at least she's out of my hair for good. Did I mention that I got that emancipation? I did and she's officially out of my life. At this point I can't see forgiving her for being such a crappy person, but who knows? Maybe one day I will.

"So Mortso huh?"

"Yes, he's my right hand man."

"Yeah Morty is pretty much mine."

"Morty and Mortso."

"Yup."

"So, what do I need to know about Degrassi? I heard it's pretty crazy there. Some guy almost got stabbed there a few months ago."

"That guy was me and it's not that bad."

"Oh. How are the girls?"

"Well I only have eyes for Clare but the female scene is decent."

"Awesome."

After chatting with Elyot for a while I asked Clare if she needed any company. Her dad has been back for a week, but knowing him he will be gone again soon.

"Hey Eli? How did things go?"

"Good… I feel… okay."

"That's great… You want to come over huh?"

"Yeah…"

"Well my dad is leaving for Monaco in about five minutes."

"I'll be outside."

Clare

I hugged my dad goodbye and he went over the rules and safety tips. As usual he told me he left some money for food and he paid all the bills. I thanked him and then he left for Monaco. As soon as his car disappeared from view the black hearse pulled up. I guess I can tell Eli my news now. I mean he's going to figure it out sooner or later. I can't just hide it from him.

I opened the door and he greeted me with a passionate kiss on the lips. I threw my arms over him and he kissed my neck. I was starting to forget that I had something to tell him. I pushed him away.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing… I have every intention on finishing this but I can't keep hiding this from you."

"What's up?"

"The other day when I went out with Alli… I got a little crazy."

"Clare?"

"I got my bellybutton pierced Eli!"

"That's your big announcement?"

"Eli that was a big deal for me."

"Do you like it?"

"Yeah."

"Well good. Let me see it."

I raised my shirt up and showed him. He smiled at it and then things got hot again. He took the shirt off completely. He carried me to the bedroom and he laid me down gently. These are the times I like. I looked into his eyes and he looked happy. I absolutely love times like these. He made a trail of kisses from my neck to my bellybutton. He kissed around my piercing and then he made a trail of kisses back up to my lips. Before we could even begin to forget I reached into his pocket and grabbed his wallet… He looked at me puzzled until I pulled out one of the gold wrapped condoms. He then smiled and shook his head. We lost our pants and well for me panties. He rolled on the condom and I watched in anticipation.

He pulled me into his lap and put himself inside me, filling me up. I gasped… It always feels new with him. Our bodies started to move in sync with each other's. Our moans filled the air just to be muffled by kisses every once in a while. I ran my fingers through the head of hair I love so much and he kissed my chest, his breath made my skin tingle. I looked down into his green eyes and he shot me a smile before he sensually attacked my lips. Kissing me with the passion of a thousand romances. I was first to make it to euphoria, my body felt like I was trapped in the middle of the most wonderful blizzard during a volcanic eruption. I was no longer bound by gravity, I floated, or at least I would if he wasn't holding onto me so tight. He followed me soon after. We just sat there, him hugging me and us rocking while our bodies buzzed together in the aftermath of making it to total bliss.

**Please leave a review. Tell me what you think because I want your input! Lol. Thanks for reading and thanks for the review in advance ; ) love ya!**


	15. Chapter 15

Clare

Today is a horrible day. I have a headache and my stomach is upset, but I have to go to school. Eli and I have to present in Ms. Dawes class and I can't let him down. I pulled myself together as the black hearse pulled in front of my apartment. I walked to the door, crumpled over, holding my stomach. It feels like the only way I won't send myself running to the porcelain again. I must have some kind of bug, I'm certain I do. I got in the hearse….funny because I feel like dying right now. Eli went to kiss me and I turned so that he only got my cheek.

"Well good morning to you too."

"I'm sorry, I'm just sick and I don't want you to catch it."

"Shouldn't you be resting then?"

"No, we have to present."

"I know but I'm sure Ms. Dawes would understand."

"Maybe I will go home after English."

"That sounds like a good idea."

Every time I take a step it feels like I've worked out for days! Not to mention the fact that I want to topple over into a deep slumber. We didn't get halfway to the school before I got sick again.

"Oh god Eli, pull over!"

"What's wrong?"

"Pull this car over now!"

He pulled off to the side of the road and I opened the door and leaned over, blowing chunks on the pavement. He held my hair and patted my back. After words he handed me bottled water. I took a swig and swished it around my mouth, spitting it out and then I sipped on it until we got to the school.

When I got inside, Eli held my hand and carried my books. He would look over at me with a worried expression every few minutes. As for me, it felt like the voices in the hall were a million squealing microphones with a dozen chalkboards being scratched. It was so loud and it hurt my ears and head. We got to Eli's locker where Elyot and Adam stood talking.

"Hey Clare, you don't look so good."

"Thanks for your observation Adam."

"If you want I could write you a note to Ms. Dawes."

"No, I'll play through the…"

I lost control of my knees, nearly falling to the ground; luckily Eli was there to catch me.

"Clare! Are you okay?"

"Just doing a little trust exercise. You passed."

"Clare, are you sure you are alright? You look sick."

"I'm fine Eli."

"I would feel better if you let me take you to a doctor after class."

"Fine fine fine… I'm telling you, it's just a twenty four hour bug."

Or at least that is what I am telling myself. I've been having all these symptoms for about a week, just not as extreme. I'm starting to think maybe I have a brain tumor or some kind of mental disorder or some other kind of virus. Whatever it is, I just hope I don't have to get an IV drip.

We went into Ms. Dawes classroom, even she said that I looked sick so she let Eli and I present first. I went up to the podium. I faced the crowd and I tried to stop my teeth from chattering, I've been cold lately. When I opened my mouth to speak everything just went dark…

Eli

Clare fell to the ground. I kneeled down to try and support her head while Ms. Dawes called for help. Adam and Elyot came over to try and help. Adam seen if she was still breathing while Elyot covered her with his jacket. Soon paramedics got there. Thank god Degrassi is around the corner from a hospital.

I stepped back so they could check on her and lift her onto the stretcher. They put the smelling salts in her face and she woke up. She looked confused though. She looked up at me and lifted her hand weakly. I held her hand and walked with them out to the ambulance.

"Eli I'm scared…"

"I know Clare, I'm here. I'll be right behind the ambulance. I think Adam is calling your dad"

"No, I want you in here with me…"

"Okay."

I got into the ambulance with Clare and the paramedics then it was off to the hospital. They started her on an IV drip and she passed out again. They kept waking her up with the salts but she kept passing out. I just watched in terror as they fussed over her, trying to find out what was wrong. When we got to the emergency room they whisked her off and I was left in the waiting room to wait… I got a phone call, it was from her dad.

"Hello?"

"Eli, what's going on? I got a call from some guy named Adam…"

"Mr. Edwards, Clare is sick and she passed out. She's at the hospital now; she kept passing out in the ambulance…"

"I'll be there on the next plane. Which hospital?"

"General hospital, around the corner from Degrassi."

"Okay."

Elyot, Alli and Adam all came running through the door. I told them what I knew so far and they sat there with me waiting… it was really decent of Elyot to come, I mean he's really recent and he didn't have to but I guess that's what family does or something…

"Eli, I'm not judging you or anything but did you hit her?"

"Alli no I didn't… I.."

"Alli a little faith would be nice."

"What? It's not like he hasn't before."

"He's getting help."

"You hit Clare?"

"It's a long story Elyot. A big long mistake."

"Oh…"

"Look, I'm sorry to even ask Eli, but this just isn't like Clare. She doesn't get sick. She never gets sick."

"I understand Alli. You are just worried. I'm worried too.

Clare

I had to get an IV drip… I hate IV drips. This thing is itchy and that dam heart rate monitor is getting on my nerves. It's freezing in here and my ears are ringing! I guess I'm just a ball of complaints right now; but I'm on a roll so I might as well go ahead and mention how the bright lights are hurting my eyes and making my headache worse. I feel like I've been hit by a car. I noticed there was a band aid and cotton ball on my arm, I guess they took some blood. I can only hope this is something I can recover quickly from.

"Clare Edwards. I'm Dr. Rose."

"Hello."

"We took some blood and sent the results to the lab; they should be back in a couple hours. Now why don't you tell me some of the things you are feeling right now."

"My ears ring, my head hurts, I'm sore, I'm tired, I feel like I might blow chunks again in a minute, anything I touch feels like sandpaper on my skin, the room appears to be buzzing, I'm too lazy to lift my finger and I feel like I could just got to sleep at the drop of a dime but I can't."

"Long list, did this all happen today?"

"Well it's been gradually happening over the past week or so."

"I see… Are you on your menstrual cycle?"

"No."

"When is the usual date?"

"I don't know… the twenty something?"

"Okay… Clare try and rest I will be back in a few. I'm sending a nurse to check your blood pressure and temperature though."

"Okay."

I sat in the bed, feeling like I was going insane. I didn't know whether my eyes were open or shut, I guess a little of both. It felt like my body was buzzing and it burned. My heart was running away. The nurse came in and noticed it instantly.

"Ms. Edwards, have you taken any drugs?"

"No."

"Okay… you seem a little irritable."

"I feel like I've just been hit by a truck. Today was supposed to be a good play. I was going to present my project with my boyfriend and then go on a double date with my best friend and her boyfriend tonight. It was supposed to be a good day!"

"I understand. Are you sexually active?"

"Yes."

"I see… Well your blood pressure is a little low and your temperature is high…you're running a fever."

"Obviously… I mean. I'm sorry…"

"I understand, trust me I've had worse than you. Old people tend to be snappy."

"Thanks."

"Oh here is something for your head."

"Thank you."

I lay back on the bed and I started flipping through the channels. Ten minutes later the pain medicine started to work, but I felt sick again. I puked in the trashcan beside the bed and I leaned on the railing. That's when the doctor came in.

"Well Ms. Edwards, you are anemic…"

"That's what's causing all this chaos?"

"But there is more. You are pregnant."

"No I'm not. I took the sh… Oh my gosh I forgot to get another dose of the shot!"

"Well, if you feel like having visitors right now we will let the people in the waiting room in to visit. They are all pretty concerned."

"That'd be fine… Can you please test the…whatever again? It's impossible, I can't be."

"Our tested are accurate Ms. Edwards, the blood doesn't lie."

I leaned over the rail and threw up again. This is ridiculous. These quacks wouldn't know a pregnancy if it bit them in the ass. Pregnant, that is preposterous! I want… no I demand a second opinion!

Eli

I'm not particularly religious, but I think Clare is possessed with a demon. It's the way she looked while she was climbed out of bed, ripping off the IV's and monitors. It startled me; she then fell to the ground. I went to try and help her up. She was on a roll, walking into the hall as if she was going to topple over any moment. I went after her trying to stop her. She went to the nurse's desk.

"Please calm down miss…"

"No, I demand a second test! That test is wrong and I want another one! It's not true."

"Young lady I will have to ask that you go back to your room or we will have to sedate you."

"Well sedate me then and while you are at it take some more blood and test it because there is nothing growing in here!"

"Clare you have to calm down."

"No! I won't! I won't! I WON'T!"

She fainted again; luckily I was able to catch her this time. I carried her back to her bed and the nurses hooked her back up to the machines. They wanted to put her in the psych ward but I convinced them that what just happened wouldn't happen again. Because she was so adamant about it, and because the doctor knew Clare wouldn't rest, they took another blood sample and ran the test again. I sat by her and waited until she woke up again.

"They said that the baby is stripping you of iron, so you are anemic which is causing the coldness, fever, dizziness… and the headache, vomiting and irritability are caused by the baby. Oh and you are very dehydrated."

"What are you talking about? What baby?"

"The baby in you Clare."

"You're confused…"

"No you are confused; you are the one who's been hitting the pavement all day."

"That test was wrong."

"Blood tests are mostly accurate, but to prove you wrong they took it again with more blood. Clare you are pregnant."

"No, I'm not… It's a lie! It's all a lie!"

"No Clare it's not!"

"This is a nightmare!"

"You're making it into one Clare…for me this isn't a nightmare or a sweet dream, it's just one of those weird dreams you have every once in a while."

"Noooo!"

"Clare stop it, you are overreacting. They want to put you in the psych ward, do you want that?"

"Maybe I should be put in there. After all I did just hallucinate that you said I was pregnant."

"Clare stop it, I mean it! This is real life."

"Go away!"

"No!"

"Go away! I mean it!"

"You want me to leave?"

"Yes!"

"Will that make you behave?"

"Maybe…"

"Fine, I'll go. Call me when you want to act your age and not your shoe size."

So Clare is a little nutty right now. Alli stayed in the room with Elyot and Adam followed me out… both of them were laughing under their breaths. I just turned around and I looked at them. They straightened their faces before busting out in laughter.

"It's not funny… Clare is in there somewhere."

"Well… I hope they find her soon."

"Me too."

"Eli, don't worry it's probably just the dehydration."

"I'm sure…"

Before I could even get to the parking lot my phone rang… I answered it and Clare was on the other end crying. I rushed back to the room and saw her there, she was a mess. Alli stepped out and Elyot and Adam stayed outside. I shut the door and sat beside Clare. She reached for a hug.

"I'm pregnant Eli!"

"Wow really?"

"After all I said to Jenna and after thinking it could never be me…"

"You are nothing like Jenna. Clare you will have me, I'm going to be there for you and the baby. If you want to keep it. I understand that it's your body and you can do what you want, if you have an abortion I won't judge you and I won't hold it against you…I'll even hold your hand during but I wish you wouldn't."

"I'm not… I could never go through with it."

"Thank you."

She cried again, it seems like hours went by and before long it was dark and her father was walking through the door. She was still crying but our embrace broke when Mr. Edwards became present.

"Clare, what happened?"

"Daddy I'm so sorry."

"Clare? What's wrong?"

"I'm pregnant."

"What? You're knocked up? I can't believe this. You did this didn't you, you little…freak!"

"Sir, I am the baby's father and I accept full responsibility."

"You little son of a bitch!"

He launched at me, and Mr. Edwards is not a small guy. Even Fitz's punches didn't have this bad an impact geez. I refused to hit him back because he was Clare's dad. She cried out…

"Daddy no stop hurting him! It wasn't his fault! Daddy no!"

Security finally came and pulled him off. I got up and got on my feet, well I was staggering. I held onto the rolling food tray for stability.

"You little piece of shit! You knocked up my little girl! That baby is a demon, that's why she's in the hospital."

"Dad don't talk to Eli this way. We done it together…"

"Clare… You are not to see Eli anymore."

"What! I will see him if I want!"

"I said you are not to see him again! Do you understand me?"

"I won't agree!"

"I'm your father and I have custody over you, so you will agree! No wait, you don't have to because I am your father and I make the rules. You are not to see this boy again or else!"

"Or else what?"

"Or else I will make it difficult for you to ever lay eyes on him again because I will send you to stay with Aunt Jillian in Wisconsin…."

"So you'll send me to the states just to keep me from seeing Eli dad? It's not fair! We are having a baby together."

"You're not going to keep that…that abomination. You'll have it and give it to somebody else."

"No!"

"YES! So say your goodbyes… you'll be attending Degrassi through home school."

I walked over to Clare and I hugged her tight. It's like this will be the last time I will ever get to hug her. If I never get to see her again, and I never get to hold our baby she may as well be dead like Julia.

"I'm sorry Eli…"

"It's okay Clare. It's okay. I love you okay?"

"I love you too…"

"Here, have this necklace."

"Eli please, don't go."'

"I have to…"

I wiped the tear from her cheek and kissed it one last time as Mr. Edwards walked me out of the hospital room. I went to my car, totally bypassing Adam and Elyot in the hallway. Though, I should have thanked Elyot for bringing Morty to the hospital….They'd apparently heard everything. I wiped the blood from my mouth and I sat in Morty. I'll never see Clare again. I will never see her again… I hit Morty's steering wheel as I fought the tears trying to free themselves. Elyot and Adam knocked on the window before opening the door.

"Eli, I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything Elyot, nothing to apologize for."

"Maybe Clare's dad will come around. It might just be the jet lag and shock."

"I hope so…"

Clare

I will never forgive my father for this. I cried while he sat in the chair. He had red sacks under his eyes and his shirt was wrinkled. He looked angrier than I've ever seen him before, yet I think he's overreacting. He's not my father anymore, just some evil shell of a man. He hit Eli and sent him away. He forbid us… He forbid us! What can I do? He's forbidden Eli and me to see each other. What can I do?

**Please leave a review if you read it. Thanks! I want to know what you think. Love ya =)**


	16. Chapter 16

Clare

"Young lady you eat this food, I mean now!"

"No!"

"Clare you are going to waste away."

"Maybe that's what you want… me and my demon baby will just starve."

"You're making things difficult."

"….."

Up until this point I've been giving my dad the silent treatment. I haven't been eating any of the food he buys or attempts to cook, but I do sneak up at night and eat fruit and vegetables from the cans... Things he won't notice. He looked flustered and sat down across from me. I turned my head opposite the direction he was.

"Clare, what do you want?"

"Like you even care."

"I want to see Eli, and keep my baby."

"No."

"Told you that you didn't care."

"Clare you know that isn't true! I'm trying to do what is best for you! He's no good."

"No he isn't dad. You don't even know him. You've only ever seen him twice."

"That's all I needed to know that he's no good for you."

"You don't know what you're talking about. Eli…takes care of me."

"It's not his responsibility to take care of you! It's mine…"

"Well then it is his responsibility to take care of his daughter….or son…that I'm having."

"Goodnight Clare."

"Goodnight Randall…"

"Young lady."

"Sure you wouldn't rather call me a little girl? Dad you can't just send me to bed, take my phone and computer or take away my boyfriend and expect things to be better. In six months I'm going to have a baby and… that's final."

"Yes you will have the baby and give it away."

"No I will have the baby and keep it you can't make me give it away."

"Watch your tone Clare and stop talking back. What has gotten into you?"

"Nothing."

"You are being selfish and not even thinking about how this will impact our family."

"What family! It's just us dad! Darcy is gone and mom is dead. We aren't a family, just a father and daughter."

We were both crying and I didn't even realize. I've never talked back to my father this way and certainly not this much. It's been two months since I've laid eyes on Eli. It's not that he hasn't tried though… It's only been a solid week since my dad got him arrested… I haven't seen any of my friends in months… Not Adam, Alli… hell I'd even be happy to see Jenna at this point. Truth is, since the hospital I haven't stepped foot outside of these walls except for doctor's visits. I can't get on the computer or the phone. I'm not allowed to go out and visit… it's prison.

"Dad, girls do this every day."

"But not you Clare… you were our perfect child. We've only scolded you once for staying out late… you were the good one, the perfect daughter. You wore your purity ring proudly. I still have the pictures from your ceremony."

"Nobody is perfect dad, not even me and what do you mean the good daughter? Darcy wasn't bad. She wore her purity ring until she had to take it off and that's what I done."

"Should I send you away?"

"No. I'll only find my way back without you knowing."

"Should I put you out into the street?"

"That's a personal decision. If you do I have a place to go but… but you have to know that if you put me out you won't be a part of the family I'm building once the baby is born."

"This is the hardest decision I've ever made in my life."

"Why? When it's my decision and my burden."

"I want to do the right thing."

"I'm sure you will."

Things got silent and I sat there staring at the wall. It's Friday night and I could hear music blasting from some nearby place…probably from Above the Dot. It was the last day of school before summer break. I'll bet they are having a dance that all my friends are at…dancing the night away.

"See that…Eli boy if you want. Go back to Degrassi if you want. I won't treat you any different, but things aren't changing. I'm not going to help with the baby or increase your allowance. You know how I feel about it."

"I understand dad. Thank you."

He slid my cell phone across the table and I picked it up. He went to his room and then I retired to mine. It was taken on a full battery, so it's still charged. I didn't know whether or not to call Eli, he could be at the dance I assume they are having. I'll just wait.

The night passed quickly though I couldn't sleep a wink. I'd heard my father making arrangements to stop working from home. He was catching a flight to Spain, they said he'd be gone for five weeks… or at least that is what it sounded like through the walls and speakerphone. He opened the door and I didn't even pretend I was asleep. He was dressed in a suit with his suitcase in one hand, and his briefcase in the other.

"I'll leave you money for food and I've paid all the bills up like always."

"Thanks dad."

As soon as he left I got up and walked around the house. I raided the fridge for the black olives I'd left cooling. They were perfect now. Just perfect. After eating the salty little fruits I went back to my room. Do I call Eli and then go over? Or just go over?

I started getting dressed without calling first. I put on a dead hand shirt he'd left over here. It was a little small on me, well not small just…form fitting. My bump was showing in this shirt. I grabbed my keys and another can of olives before leaving the apartment. For the first time in months I saw the blue sky and I heard the birds chirping. When I went inside, winter was at it's end and now spring is in full function and almost over... I took in a deep breath. It smells like wet, freshly cut grass and swimming pools…

I walked to the Goldsworthy place, but not before I had to venture around hopscotch games and double dutch contests on the sidewalk. School is definitely out for the summer… When I got to the house I saw the two hearses parked in the driveway. I knocked on the door. Elyot answered the door. He had clothes in one hand and a bag in the other. His eyes were bloodshot and his face looked sunken in, like he hadn't slept in days.

"Clare?"

"Elyot… Hi. I was wondering if Eli was around."

"That's right…you didn't hear did you?"

"No. Hear what?"

"Clare, Eli was robbed coming out of McDonalds a few nights ago. They beat him up badly and stabbed him a few times, once in the stomach and five times in the arm. They only got five bucks and his cell phone though… They were a couple of druggies… They got caught when they robbed the McDonalds just seconds later."

"Is Eli dead?"

"No, he's just beat up and he's had to get surgery… He asked for you ya know."

"When?"

"When he was high off the hospital's dope ass pain killers in the IV drip."

"I should have been there."

"He knows you couldn't be… Why are you here now?"

"My dad… changed his mind… well it sort of took some talking back, the silent treatment for three months and a pretend hunger strike."

"Wow. Well, I'm on my way to the hospital. You are free to bum a ride."

"Cool, thanks."

I got into the white hearse Mortso and we went to the hospital. When we got there Elyot knocked on the door. I happened to hear the last few words Eli spoke. He was weakly begging the nurse to bring him an egg McMuffin from McDonalds.

"I have somebody special with me today Eli."

"Who Barney?"

"No even more awesome than the purple guy."

I walked through the door and Eli looked shocked. I walked to him slowly and he raised the hospital bed up. Elyot was right, he was beat up badly, even worse than when Fitz was his bully. One of his eyes was swollen shut and I noticed that his tooth was chipped badly. In addition to that he had cuts, scratches and bruises everywhere.

"I know I looked pretty ugly."

"Yeah you do but… it's okay. I leave you alone for a few months and you're getting robbed for the change left over after a big Mac binge."

"I know…totally my fault. I missed you."

"I've missed you too."

"What changed his mind?"

"A fake hunger strike, the silent treatment all this time and some rough talk."

"You're showing."

"Just a little."

"Did you get kicked out? I can take ca…"

"No, I didn't get kicked out but my dad won't help."

"That's fine."

"We have so much to catch up on. This is my first day in the world since I went to home prison. How was school?"

"It was suckey without you. Everybody asked about you… Alli, Jenna and Fitz especially, I think the big guy and I have come to an understanding about you but… we ain't dating."

"Good to hear that."

Suddenly the jokes stopped and the waterworks started. I couldn't help it, I was happy to see him. I hugged him, careful not to put too much of my weight on his fragile, broken self. He tried to stop my crying but he was hardly in the position to because I felt his tears hit my shoulder.

"Clare these three months have been so horrible without you."

"It's like for three months I've been dead."

"Well you're not, you are alive. I am too."

"Barely."

"Funny… Clare, I love you."

"I love you too."

Eli

Seeing her almost sent me into cardiac arrest in the best way. At first I thought maybe I had died but then I felt the achy pain all over my body and I knew I was alive. Clare is here, after I was certain I wouldn't see her again until she was eighteen… Or at least not legally see her. Her father had me arrested a few nights ago, well a few days before I got robbed. I'd go to her place every few days to try and protest for her freedom, he kept threatening to call the cops and that time he did. They picked me up and held me for a few hours before giving me a quick warning and letting me go. The police officer there obviously understood why I was harassing Mr. Edwards.

Now that Clare is here though… I can't lose any time with her and I have to keep her near me. Nothing but death will ever separate us again for this long. She sat beside my hospital bed with her head at my lap and we watched SpongeBob. Elyot sat in the corner chair almost like a statue.

"Thank you for coming for me Eli… Not giving up."

"You're having my baby. I would never give up, even if I had to stay there every day of your ninth month. I take that back…even if you weren't pregnant I'd still persist."

"…So what happened that night?"

"The robbery? Well… I was coming out of McDonalds with my belly full and these two tweekers blind sighted me and beat me down… they stabbed me when they found I only had a few bucks."

"Did it hurt?"

"Well, it did but not for long. I was already in and out of consciousness."

"Oh."

"So the baby is healthy?"

"Yes… I haven't found out what it is yet."

"It'll be a boy or a girl."

"Wow, that's such a precise guess… you must be physic."

"You've figured me out."

We caught up on things and I felt her belly. Her little bump made me realize just how much I missed because of Mr. Edwards's denial of the truth and obvious hate for me after he found out I was the cause of her pregnancy. That doesn't matter now though, I'm here now for my baby and my Clare.

**Please leave a review if you read this story, otherwise how will I know people are reading it? lol sillies…thanks for reading it though. Love ya!**


	17. Chapter 17

Clare

The morning sickness is still bad. I was spending all the time I could with Eli since he'd gotten out of the hospital and like every morning, I went running to the toilet. Usually I sleep with a ponytail so that my hair doesn't get in the way, but I forgot to out my hair up. Luckily though, Eli grabbed my hair while I blew chunks. When I was done with that "morning routine" I wiped my mouth, brushed my teeth and went back to the bed. I plopped down on the soft pile of covers and pillows and Eli sat down beside me, gently running his fingers through my hair.

"You want anything to settle your tummy?"

"No, it will pass… Maybe I'll go back to sleep for a while."

"Yeah, it is six in the morning."

"And the summer. Thanks for getting up to hold my hair."

"No problem. You nervous?"

"About what?"

"Our appointment with Dr. Brock today at five."

"Oh, that… sort of. I don't know why though."

"Me either."

Eli was still bruised up pretty bad from his attack, but he's getting better one day at a time. Yesterday he went to the dentist and they spread out his tooth, fixing the chip in it. The stab wound on his stomach seems to be nearly healed but the ones on his arm look to be causing him grief. He doesn't tell me, or complain but I can tell because every time he moves his arm the wrong way his face turns red and he trembles.

I went back to sleep and when I woke up the second time it was for a different reason. There was loud arguing coming from the next room. Eli was sleeping like a rock, but I couldn't so I investigated…

"No Elyot! Ever since I had sex with you…you act like you don't want to be around me! Don't tell me it's all in my head."

"Well you're right Rose, it's not all in your head… To tell you the truth, I think we should see other people."

"I see what this is… that's all you wanted."

"Don't think of it that way."

"Asshole!"

Rose walked out of the room with tears running down her face. She saw me in the hall and she looked briefly before waving slightly and going on. I decided to stop her… After all, I do owe her an apology.

"Rose?"

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry I pushed you down the stairs all those months ago."

"So you did push me."

"I did… I had a little problem then. Are you okay?"

"No. I feel like a dirty dishrag…. Thanks though."

She kept walking and crying. I watched as she walked down the sidewalk, nearly stumbling… That is truly sad. I'm sure she was a virgin and Elyot just messed all over her. Thank god I never had to go through any of that. If Eli had done that to me, I would be a wreck. I went back into the bedroom and I laid behind him for a change. I held onto him and he groaned.

"Enjoying the showdown?"

"Not enjoying, just listening… It was sad."

"I told her not to have sex with him."

"She was in love…"

Eli

"So Eli, what are your feelings about the life Clare is harboring?"

"I'm excited and scared… mostly happy."

"Clare what are your feelings?"

"I'm anxious, scared, nervous… worried."

"No positive feelings?"

"Well…. When I feel the baby flutter around inside me, it makes me smile. I just can't wrap my mind around the thought of me being a mom. It makes me think of my mom."

"What about her."

"She was strong, well for most of my life. What if I'm not strong and I abandon my baby? Or what if… what if I do something wrong? I have nobody to teach me what is right and wrong with this baby. What if… my baby pays for my parental ignorance?"

"Clare, that is why they have parenting classes… As far as your mother goes… you are not her, and she is not you… you are both strong in different ways and while you might be weak in some areas, when the time comes I'm positive you will be able to be strong where it matters."

"I can be strong for her if she can't."

"That shows that you are trying to instill the idea that Clare can trust you Eli… I'm glad you bought that up because I have a little exercise for you two to do."

He made us do the "catch me" exercise. Clare fell back and I caught her. We didn't do it the other way around because I didn't want to put too much strain on her. After we left the therapist's office, with a sugar cookie in each of our bellies we went to the Dot. It was packed because it is the summer time. When we arrived Alli and Adam were sitting there looking…devious.

"Hello all."

"Sup Mom and Pop."

"Hello Adam, Alli."

"Hi best friend."

We hung out like we do almost every day. It's fun, and it kills time. We are young with no jobs and nothing to do after all. Why not sit around and chat? Old people do it, except they usually play chess or checkers…

Clare ordered a pickle shake. It was gross and it smelled even worse than that, but that's what she wanted. A pickle shake with a burger that had pickles blended into the hamburger meat. Neither of these things was on the menu, so I'm going to assume she's getting special treatment because the Dot guy still has a soft spot for her older sister. I watched Clare as she downed the gross combo of food. Since we've been able to see each other again I never want to take my eyes off her. She's showing even more now… I can't believe it, she's having my baby. I bet our little girl will look just like her.

**Please drop a review, and thanks for reading! =)**


	18. Chapter 18

Eli

This is so awkward. Clare's dad is in town until his next traveling business deal, so Clare decided we should all have dinner together at her place. She cooked and I came over. When I did Mr. Edwards looked at me evilly.

"Well now that everybody is here…I think the roast is done."

As soon as she left the small dining room Mr. Edwards pulled out his phone and tried at all costs not to look over at me. He kept clearing his throat.

"So, nice weather we are having tonight?"

"It's raining…."

"I know, the rain is very relaxing… good for sleeping."

"Is that all you do with your time?"

"No it's not… Sir, other than the fact that I impregnated your daughter….why do you hate me?"

"I'm a Christian, I don't hate."

"Really, because it sure seems like you hate my guts. Is it because I'm not religious?"

"No. I could care less about that as long as you don't try pull my daughter away from god."

"Well then what is it?"

"I know your type boy… I used to be your type."

"Well you aren't a bad guy are you?"

"You have no idea what kind of guy I am."

"Look Mr. Goldsworthy. I don't know what resemblances you see between us, but I don't see them. We are two different people and quite frankly, so were Clare and her mom."

"You think you've got it all figured out. I hope you damn well do."

"Sir, Clare and I have a pretty good plan but it would be better if we had some family. Don't you want to be able to show off pictures of your grandkid to your co workers and tell the little runt stories about your adventures and about the late Mrs. Edwards?"

"It wasn't supposed to happen this soon."

"There were tons of things that weren't supposed to happen Mr. Edwards. But they did, and things that aren't supposed to happen will continue to happen, because this is life and though we make a blueprint for it, things will always get mixed up and moved around."

"You aren't going to let this go?"

"No… Clare would never tell you, or me but I know she's upset because you want nothing to do with the baby."

"What do I even have to offer the kid?"

"Love. Wisdom. Candy…grandpa stuff."

"You drive a hard bargain."

"It's been a pleasure doing business with you sir."

Clare emerged with the roast and mashed potatoes. She was truly showing now, I don't know that she could even hide it anymore. She sat down the meal and sat in the chair between Mr. Edwards and I. The dinner started and conversation commenced. It was…pleasant.

Clare

Last night's dinner was nice. I know they don't know it, but I heard the two negotiating. I'm happy now that my dad has agreed to be a grandpa to the baby. Eli has been going to some "daddy" classes during the night that I'm not allowed to go to. I'm happy he's trying to get prepared. That gave me time to have a sleepover with Alli at my place.

"So, what does it feel like?"

"Well right now it hurts because she's kicking the same spot over and over, but other than that its strange… it's like now I know for sure I have another human inside me that's moving. It's weird."

"Saint Clare."

"Shut up."

"I won't! Hey somebody is at the door. Did you order pizza?"

I went to the door and Darcy was standing there with her bags in hand. When I saw here initially I was shocked, but soon we hugged each other in greeting.

"I didn't know you were coming home."

"I didn't know you were pregnant!"

"We have a lot to catch up on."

"Well we have all the time in the world. I'm here for good."

"Awesome!"

Darcy, Alli and me all nestled on the couch with a huge cup of cocoa and she told us about her adventures in Africa and I told her about all the craziness that has occurred in my life since she last saw me when mom died.

"So, Eli is being good through all this?"

"Yes he is… He's being really supportive."

"Yeah, I have to admit, Mr. Dark side has been super tolerant of your gross pickle cravings and your thing for black olives."

"Yeah he has… Peter has been awesome too for making me off the menu pickle things…"

"Like what?"

"Like, hamburger with pickle blended into the patty and pickle shakes."

"Gross!"

"I know!"

"Hey, when your hormones are going crazy, you will eat some weird things too!"

"Sure…"

We talked until Darcy decided to take a bath and go to bed. I know she must be tired flying all the way from Africa and all. I'm glad she's back to stay. I am going to need all the family I can get once my little girl is born.

Eli

Guys night has been interesting. I made Adam and Elyot come with me to my daddy classes. They were grossed out because the fake babies really pooped, peed and spit up. They were even more disgusted by the fact that the instructor made them actually change the diapers. It didn't kill them so they will be okay, plus if they are going to be good uncles they need to know this stuff.

After the lessons we went through the drivethrough and got some fattening, greasy McDonalds! Then it was back to the mancave where we watched a few fights and some gore moves.

"So, I'll come on out and say it. I'm nervous about seeing Rose in three weeks when school re-starts."

"Why?"

"Because… I still like her."

"Then why did you dump her? Idiot."

"Adam I don't fucking know okay. I don't need your judgment right now."

"What Adam meant to say is… Oh hell it was pretty clear."

"Well you guys don't just sit there; help me plan how to win her back."

"Well, she seems even more introverted than before, so good luck cracking that shell open the second time. It's twice as thick."

"Eli, you are so lucky…"

"Well you were lucky too. Don't go getting jealous."

"I can't help it when you're always walking around here humming and being happy and shit."

"You are ridiculous Elyot. If you just need my help… I will try and help you get Rose back."

"Thanks."

"Man you two have too much drama. Fiona and I don't have nearly as many problems as you guys."

"That's because you two are both total sweethearts…"

"Yeah we are huh."

Guy's night soon became a plot to get Rose to give Elyot the time of day again. If he fucks it up this time he's on his own. I wonder what Clare and that little floppy girl are up to right now. It's been a while since I've gone a whole day without seeing her…well since her dad started letting us be together again.

**Please leave a review!Thanks for reading! =)**


	19. Chapter 19

Clare

It's the first day back at Degrassi. I'm a junior… Yes I am. I'm nervous…yes I am. The last time I walked these halls the possibility of harboring life wasn't even on my mind. I was just…sick. Now things are different. I've become the pregnant girl. I guess people won't be so quick to call me Saint Clare anymore.

I went to the locker I'd been assigned and I heard whispers. **Saint Clare is knocked up. Guess not all Saints are wise. How dumb do you have to be to get pregnant in high school?** Suddenly the kids from the Christian club here came up to me.

"Clare, god will forgive you for your sins and even though your baby is an abomination, he will still love it."

"Get away from me now."

"Clare we…"

"Get away!"  
I took off running towards a bathroom, any bathroom. When I got in there not only was Jenna Middleton in there, but so was Rose. If they ever wanted to jump me and get revenge, now would be their time.

"Clare?"

"Jenna…"

"I'm happy to see you back. I'm sorry I said those mean things to you."

"Me too…"

"What's wrong?"

"Christian club just turned unchristian."

"Oh…"

Jenna left and Rose stood in a corner in the bathroom, almost like she was trying to become invisible. I turned to face her and she looked to the ground. I noticed she was clutching the sides of her jacket like she was hiding the hope diamond in her shirt or something.

"Rose, are you okay? I mean I just got my baby called am abomination but… maybe something worse happened to you?"

"Nothing. I'm just standing here, like I plan to do all day."

"Why?"

"So that Elyot won't find me."

"Aw come on he's not that bad."

"It's not that. I don't want him to see me… He'll notice."

"Notice what?"

"Promise to keep this a secret?"

"Sure."

She stopped holding onto her jacket and she let her arms fall. There was a tiny, but noticeable baby bump exposed. I gasped in shock maybe that was an overreaction. She crossed her arms across her chest and sat down on the bench in the bathroom.

"How long have you known"

"Since the day he broke up with me. I got sick that afternoon and my sister suggested I take a test."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"Why should I?"

"Because it's his baby."

"He won't want it."

"How do you know?"

"Because he didn't want me."

"Rose you ha…"

"No Clare."

She walked out of the bathroom and I got myself together. Right now my head is spinning from the verbal assault and the big news from Rose. When I was ready I walked back into the hallway and I went to my class. I noticed that Adam and Elyot were there but not Eli.

"Where is he?"

"He's going to be late. When I left the house he was changing Morty's tire. I offered him a ride but you know how he is."

"Yeah… So Elyot."

"So Clare?"

"You should talk to Rose…"

"I've tried."

"Well try harder and take a good look at her."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it!"

"Clare, can I speak to you in private?"

"Sure Adam."

"What is going on? I'm the gossip guru, not you."

"I can't tell you. I promised her I wouldn't."

"Well it's not telling if I guess right?"

"I suppose."

"She cut her hair."

"No."

"She cut her face."

"No."

"She's pregnant."

"….."

"She's pregnant!"

"Shut it Adam or else he will hear you!"  
"Okay okay, secret in the vault."

"Thanks."

Eli showed a few minutes later. It's amazing how we all managed to get in Ms. Dawes class again… Even…Rose, who walked in and sat across the room. She looked over at me with pleading eyes. I did keep the secret sort of, I didn't tell anybody… Adam guessed and that's not the same.

"So how is my Clare today?"

"Fine."

"How is she?"

"She's fine… Kind of restless."

"Ready to meet her awesome dad."

"Or just the mom who is carrying her for nine months."

"Maybe so…"

The class went quickly. Ms. Dawes will have us expressing more emotion this year. Well, I guess it won't be that hard. I do have a lot of emotion to write down on paper. I went to my next two classes which were media emersion and math… Both of which I had with Alli. Then it was time for lunch. Great. I pulled out the insulated lunch bag I had in my purse and pulled out a bag of black olives and pickles. These seemed like the best olives I've ever eaten in my entire life, and these pickles… don't even get me started on them. Eli and I had a pleasant conversation. I can proudly say he hasn't lost his temper enough to hit me in months… Don't get me wrong, we have argued but he's learned to cope with his rage better. Dr. Brock has really helped him and me too. We actually have another couple appointment next week.

Speaking of couples who need therapy though… Elyot and Rose were at the top of the list. Though they aren't actually together, a little counseling wouldn't hurt them. Watching them at lunch was like watching a bunny rabbit get attacked by a pit bull. It was painful. She got her tray and she tried to walk around him. I even saw her mouth "excuse me" then she looked up at him defeated and he just knocked down her tray of food and walked past her, bumping her shoulder. She stormed out of the cafeteria in tears. By now everyone was looking… including Eli and I.

"That was really mean of him."

"He said he found out she was pregnant."

"Oh really? How?"

"Saw her coming from the school nurse's office with prenatal vitamins and he saw her bump."

"Well that's not reason to be cruel to her."

"You're bothered by this aren't you?"

"Yes."

"I'll try and talk to him."

"Thank you."

Eli

I don't even know how to begin talking to Elyot about his recent behavior. I mean who am I to say "don't be mean to your girlfriend" when I've done worse things to Clare? Elyot might very well ask me if I'm the pot or the kettle. I have to talk to him though… I gave Clare my word so I will. I'll do it tonight.

I was so anxious for school to let out. I'd already done my homework and stored it in my locker for safekeeping. When the last bell of the day rang I nearly jumped out of my seat. I headed for the door to find Clare waiting for me.

"Well hey there. I was coming to pick you up."

"I decided to switch it up. How was art?"

"Art."

"Okay."

We went to both out lockers and ended up chatting with Fitz of all people. Before we knew it the halls were clear. So clear that an echo could be heard. Well, that means it's time to go. As we headed for the door we happened to hear crying and something the sounded like bricks being thrown against a locker. We turned the corner to see Elyot brutalizing Rose. The look in his eyes was so… I can't even explain it. His face was the face of anger in its purest form. Anger mixed with a bit of obsession. This must be what I looked like when I let my temper loose on Clare. It's just like a fucking mirror.

"Elyot, back off."

"No Eli! She's so fucking stupid… hiding the fact that she's pregnant! You know what… your mom is going to kick you out for being pregnant bitch and then you'll need me!"

"Elyot, dude… Calm down!"

"Fucking bitch."

Clare

So this is what it looks like? Bloody faced and trembling… Poor Rose. She clung to me of all people. I didn't know what to tell her except that things would be okay. They were for me… Eli's so much better now, but Eli and Elyot are two different people.

"Eli… Could you wait for me? I'm going to help clean her up in the ladies room."

"Sure thing. We can drop her off on the way to the Dot."

"Great…"

I helped the sobbing girl into the bathroom. He really did a number on her. After having to doctor on my own battle scars it's no wonder I know exactly what to do. I started patching her up and she calmed down.

"What happened?"

"He found out today. He saw me getting prenatal vitamins and he saw my tummy. At lunch he humiliated me and then after school… He asked me to stay and talk to him. He sounded friendly… normal, and the conversation was good until everybody left then he started hitting me and saying mean things. I tried walking away but he just kept slamming me against the lockers. Whenever I tried to scream he choked me and covered my mouth…"

"I'm sorry that happened to you… I know what it's like."

"You do?"

"Well I can imagine…"

"Yeah you're lucky. Eli probably doesn't even yell at you…"

"Each guy is different. What are you going to do with the baby?"

"I don't know… He was right about my mom. If she finds out I'm pregnant she'll kick me out."

"Abortion?"

"I can't."

"Well… when you're my size you won't be able to hide it."

"Then I'll… be homeless… I don't know."

"Well… you have time to figure things out. Come on… Eli's waiting."

"Thanks Clare. We are completely even for you tripping me down the stairs now."

"Good."

Eli

I dropped off Rose and then it was straight to the Dot. Adam was waiting with coffee in hand. He saw us and the conversation instantly started. He told us about how difficult it is doing the long distance thing now that Fiona is in college…he also told us about the detention he got for tomorrow for cursing out Bianca. I guess everybody's day has been interesting.

"So dude, what is up with your twin?"

"Don't know. Why?"

"He was acting really angry in last period. I was going to ask him if he was okay, but…he totally stormed out."

"Rose."

"He found out?"

"Where were you at lunch?"

"Here."

"Oh…Well he found out and started acting hostile. He knocked her tray out of her hand and bumped her. She ran out crying."

"Oh. Well that's not what's weird though. When I saw him after school they were totally talking normally. He was even smiling."

"It was an act."

"Clare…"

"Eli, it was an act."

"He hit her didn't he?"

"How'd you guess?"

"Don't know… maybe you should give him Dr. Brock's number. No offense, but he's worked a miracle on you Eli."

"That would be ideal, but I can't make him go Adam."

"I understand. How bad was it?"

"Pretty bad. Rose was pretty upset. I cleaned her up… She's going to get put out once her mom finds out."

"Where will she go?"

"Our door is always open. The baby is family."

"How noble of you."

Today has been interesting…. After I dropped Clare off at her place and kissed her goodnight I went to my humble abode where Elyot was on the phone… Well, talking to Rose's voicemail.

"Please Rose, I'm so sorry… just please call me when you get this or pick up the phone. You know I didn't want to hurt you I was just angry… Please?"

"Dude hang up the phone."

"Why?"

"She's not picking up that phone… I've been where you are before."

"What?"

"I used to hit Clare Elyot… and bad. She had to go to the hospital once… Rape… You couldn't put anything past me. If you don't get help for your anger problems now, not only are you going to hurt, Rose, and possibly the baby… But you might lose them forever. Dr. Brock, he's wonderful. He made me see that it wasn't my girlfriend making me so angry... It was life and I was just taking it out on her."

"I'm not like you Eli. I'm a bad guy."

"You're not Elyot! I'm telling you… just get some help."

"People like me don't deserve to live. Did you see how scared she was today? She was trembling, my Rose, trembling…"

"Elyot… we all make mistakes. We will all continue to make mistakes and what is done is done… but don't turn down this help I'm offering you."

"Fine… make me an appointment… I'm such a bastard."

"Elyot!"

"I told her mother."

"What?"

"I called her mother and I told her."

"You have to go over there then."

"No use. I called when I knew for sure Rose would have come home and her mother said she didn't live there anymore."

"You have to go find her."

"Where will I look?"

**Thanks for reading! Please leave a review!**


	20. Chapter 20

Eli

The hunt for Rose went on for hours. Elyot was highly unstable so he couldn't drive. Things weren't looking good though. Her mom didn't know where she was going and she wasn't at her sisters… Who knows what kind of trouble has come to her on the streets carrying a huge suitcase. She'll probably be robbed or worse.

When all else failed after sweeping the area twice we reported her to the police and we went to the hospitals… that is where we found her. Elyot got even more upset when finding out she'd been admitted to the hospital. The nurse said she got run over by a car, but her body hit the windshield so it acted as a net. Only a few broken ribs and bruises…

"Excuse me miss… my name is Elyot Goldsworthy… I…she's pregnant."

"Yes, we are aware of that. The baby is fine. Heartbeat is still strong."

"Great."

After finding out where she was I took Elyot home and he left again in Mortso. I, on the other hand went to bed. Today has been kind of exhausting.

Clare

Today at Degrassi is going to be a good one, I feel it. I have my pickles and olives… Eli is here on time and I go for a checkup after school. Eli and Adam met me at my locker and we chatted like usual. Alli even joined the conversation. Suddenly Dave walked by looking like a zombie. Alli tried saying hi to him but it's like he didn't even here her. He just kept saying… "I'm tired of this shit" in a weird monotone voice. He was clutching his backpack to his chest like it was his life. We decided to go and tell Simpson but it was too late. He just pulled out a gun and started shooting it in different directions. Eli covered me on the ground. Dave reloaded his gun and walked over to where we were all lying on the ground. Adam was crying and gasping. He'd been shot! Dave grabbed Alli by her hair and pulled her up. He put the gun to her face.

"I loved you and all you ever did was put me in the fucking friend zone bitch!"

"I'm sorry Dave. You were just such a good friend I di…I didn't want to mess things up."

"Well now you won't be putting anybody in the friend zone."

"Drop the gun!"

"No!"

"Dave, son drop the gun!"

"No dad! You can't tell me what to do this time! You don't know what it's like. I'm a loser! I'm a nothing and a nobody…"

"Son you aren't a loser. You aren't a loser and you are me and your mom's pride and joy."

"Yeah… so you always tell me but that's not enough dad. That's not enough!"

Dave cocked the gun in his hand and before he could shoot Alli in the head, one of the officers shot Dave. He fell dead and Alli crawled back to us. She was trembling and shaking. Officer Turner went and cried over his son's dead body. The officer who took the shot apologized but he wasn't angry at him. Paramedics came and took Adam who was starting to turn blue in the lips. Everyone was held to get their stories except the people shot. Eli and I told them what we saw and then we went out the door. Mrs. Torres was hysterical as they loaded Adam into the ambulance. It's understandable.

Eli and I got into Morty and went to the hospital. There were others there as well, for different people. Drew along with Mr. and Mrs. Torres sat on the bench opposite ours.

"Eli, Clare… it was nice of you to come but you don't have to stay."

"With all due respect Mrs. Torres… Adam is my best friend. I can't leave until I know something."

"What happened?"

"It all happened quickly. Dave came by looking zombie like, Alli tried to say hello to him, he walked a little further and pulled out the gun and he just started shooting in random directions… Adam got hit and then Dave reloaded and grabbed Alli by her hair. He put the gun to her head and threatened to kill her for only wanting to be friends with him."

"Is she okay?"

"I don't think so."

"Send her my best wishes."

"Yes ma'am."

We waited for hours and hours until finally we heard something. A doctor came out and gave us some good news.

"Well, Adam will be just fine. We were able to repair the damage done to the lung and no major arteries were hit so that's a plus. The bullet went straight through so there is no worry of later rupture inside the body. He was lucky."

"Oh thank god! My baby is going to be okay!"

The Torres family hugged in relief and so did Eli and I. We told Mrs. Torres to tell Adam we'd see him tomorrow. They should be with him now. Lucky nobody died in the shooting but Dave. I got flowers and I went to The Turner residence… Well Eli and I. Chantay opened the door.

"Clare?"

"Hi Chantay I'm sorry about your cousin."

"You are?"

"Dave has done more good than bad. He just snapped and I'm sorry he passed."

"Thank you. You are the first person to say kind words to us. My aunt has gotten so many hate calls and irate visitors today that she's taking nerve pills given to her doctor on en emergency prescription. I can't believe my cousin would do something like this."

"Well… Tell Mr. Turner and Mrs. Turner I send my condolences."

"I will… Thank you Clare. Are your friends okay?"

"Adam will be okay and Alli is shaken up."

"Well I hope they get better."

"Thanks."

Eli stood there silently, holding me up like a rock of sorts. When I got back into Morty my dad called. He was yelling and all upset. I guess he'd just gotten the voice message Darcy left on his cell phone.

"Clare are you okay! It's all over the news on my phone!"

"Dad I'm fine. I didn't get shot."

"Oh thank god. Do you need me to come home?"

"No, I'll be okay. Thanks for calling."

"Honey I was worried."

"I know."

"Be safe. I love you."

"I love you too dad."

Eli

After dropping Clare off I went to the Dot where Fitz was at the bar drinking some kind of coffee beverage no doubt. I ordered a latte and I sat on the stool next to him while Peter made the coffee…

"Emo boy… Clare and the baby okay after this bullshit today?"

"Yeah. What about you?"

"Bianca got shot."

"She okay?"

"She will never walk again."

"That's horrible."

"She'll kill herself…"

"What makes you think that?"

"She told me when we were eight. If she ever loses her legs she will kill herself."

"Are you gonna let her?"

"How can I stop her?"

"Good point."

"I don't like to think about that though… You know Eli, if I hadn't changed Dave probably would have shot me today."

"What makes you think that?"

"He was one of my primary bullying targets. If I hadn't apologized to him and gotten cool with him I would have been dead fucking meat."

"Well it's a good thing you did."

"Degrassi sure has a way of bringing the crazy out of people… you know this isn't the first time it's happened."

"What? Shooting? Enlighten us Peter."

"I heard before I got there some guy name Rick shot up the school too…only he had specific targets."

"Wow…"

"Is there an end to the madness?"

"Never… It's been a rough day… Those drinks are on the house."

"Thanks Peter."

After leaving the Dot I went home where Elyot making an awful lot of noise in his room. I knocked and I saw him remodeling things… Now instead of one big bed, there were two twin size beds and a baby crib in the middle of them…

"What's going on?"

"Rose is moving in. I apologized and convinced her it's what would be best but she said she didn't want to be in the same bed as me so I granted her wish."

"Cool…"

"How is Adam?"

"He's going to be okay."

"Great… I guess I picked a good day to skip school?"

"I guess you did…"

I went into my room and plopped down on my bed. Today I saw somebody die. I saw somebody who I didn't think would ever be capable of senseless violence almost kill my best friend and take away the will to live of a young girl… Today true evil showed its face and I never want to see it again. Dave Turner wasn't the cause of this… The everyday evils were. I know what it's like to be bullied and pushed around for short periods of time. He has to deal with it every day and he gets no love from anybody except his parents and maybe his friends who are just as tortured as him. It was a sad situation today.

**please leave a review and thank for reading! =)**


	21. The choice is yours

Hi, should I just delete this story or discontinue it or something? I feel like nobody is honestly reading it anymore so I don't want to leave it there taking up space. What do you think?

_Give me your answer by review…._


	22. Chapter 22

_Hi guys, so I've decided to write three more chapters, to get out the rest of the craziness I'd had planned, and then an epilogue, just to wrap things up… Hope you enjoy them, and thanks to all who responded… I was really having a hard time trying to figure out what to do. So….here goes!_

Eli

So the aftermath of the shooting still has everyone on edge. Alli is still in shock that she was so close to death, and Dave's close friends are still mourning and wondering how such a good kid could go so bad. Adam is healing up nicely. I'm glad; I don't know where I would be without my best bud. Today, Clare and I have a meeting with Dr. Brock.

"So Eli, Clare… How has the shooting, and being so close to losing your lives impacted your relationship?"

"Honestly Dr. Brock… It hasn't."

"Interesting Clare, what makes you feel that way?"

"Because, we felt a certain way about each other before the shooting and it's still the same afterwards."

"Thanks for answering honestly. Eli what did you think in those moments when the shots rang out?"

"I don't remember?"

"Well what did you do?"

"He covered me…"

"Selflessness… Interesting. So, you two are probably tired of talking about the shooting now huh?"

"Somewhat Dr. Brock."

"Alright then. How's the relationship? Any apprehensions yet?"

"Yes…"

"What is it Clare?"

"What if we aren't ready for this and it tears us apart?"

"What do you mean tear you apart?"

"What if we break up because he won't help when I need him to, or because he thinks I'm a no fun nag?"

"Reasonable fears, unfortunately, there is no relief from these fears unless you have total trust in your partner. Of course, you will never know what will happen when the baby is born until after the baby actually arrives. I'm sensing some trust issues; do we need to do the exercise again?"

"No but…"

"On the contrary Dr. Brock, I don't know if I want her to completely trust me again."

"What? I mean… interesting Eli, tell me why."

"Because, what if I snap again. If she completely trusts me then she will have hope in me again. She will stick around and then things will get bad again."

"Well Eli, to me it sounds like your trust issues don't lie within Clare, but within yourself. You have to trust yourself not to hit Clare, or curse her out. You Clare, have to let Eli trust himself and then you have to trust him to be the partner you need in raising your baby. So you two work on that trust… Internally for you Eli, and Clare you work on trusting Eli."

"Yes Dr. Brock."

I helped Clare up from the couch. She's eight months now and huge. The baby is a girl and we've decided to name her Belle. Life has been both dull and interesting lately. Everything seems to be getting back to normal, but what fun is normal?

We got into Morty and went to my house where Elyot and Adam were cooking. Rose was sitting on the couch watching television. She and Elyot are having a girl too. At least the girl's can be playmates and grow up together. Clare sat down on the couch slowly and I went into the kitchen where the men folk were slaving over a hot stove.

"So how'd therapy go?"

"Well Adam, I found out that I don't want Clare to trust me because I don't trust myself."

"Deep shit… I found out that I get satisfaction from seeing Rose cry because in a strange way I can control her tears… I can start them up with an argument or a name and stop them with a kiss…"

"We are fucked up."

"Yes you two are…but you are getting better. Now flip that burger, it should be ready."

The cooking and chatting was refreshing enough. It's become a norm though, and I need something to shake things up. Not in a bad way but in a way that will snatch my breath away and make me wish for normal to come back… Then it happened.

"Ahhhhhh!"

"Clare!"

Clare

The pain was so intense I thought I would die. I was sitting in a pool of wetness on the couch. Rose was trying to see about me, but in the end all she could do was call for help. Eli came rushing to my side.

"Clare what is it?"

"It's time! Oh god it hurts so badly!"

"Okay Clare um breathe!"

"Don't tell me what to do! Breathing won't help!"

"Eli go get the car and call or something."

"Rose chill."

"Eli! Go and get the fucking car or something!"

"Yes Clare."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The guys helped me out to the car and then Eli and I were off to have a baby. Everyone else was coming to the hospital after they locked up. Rose was nice enough to call my sister and my doctor. When we got to the hospital they were expecting me. I got changed and into a room quickly.

"You are going fast… Already halfway there."

"Oh thank goodness."

As luck would have it, what was at first a speedy labor slowed down. Every contraction felt like it lasted a lifetime and the breaks between them seemed to last only seconds. I felt sleepy, alert, hot and cold all at the same time. I didn't want to sound harsh but I wanted this to be over with, I wanted to be out of this excruciating pain more than I wanted to see my baby right now. Of course… that's just something I'll keep to myself.

Darcy didn't have the stomach to stay in and the room and I barely wanted to look at Eli. All those times, I thought I was pregnant and they were false alarms…. We should have been way more careful.

The time came to push, so I did. I gave it my all. It felt like I was being ripped in half, and if you think about it that way I really was being ripped in two. My screams could probably be heard from the outside of the building but I don't care. Nobody told me this would hurt so much. I always assumed it was overreactions when ladies talked about labor pains. But it's not… as far as I'm concerned, their descriptions are under reactions to the reality of it.

After countless pushes and doctors telling me repeatedly to push harder and longer the moment arrived and the baby was completely out. All was silent for those few precious seconds until the baby's cries filled the air. When her angry sobs overflowed the delivery room they laid her on my chest. She was so pretty… She had a head full of red hair… I have a ginger. They took her from me and cleaned her off. Afterwards they had me deliver the afterbirth, which hurt just as bad as the baby did coming out… Then they cleaned me up and moved me to a normal room. Eli and I looked down at the little human we were now in charge of.

"Clare, I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks… I'm happy she's okay. She is a couple weeks premature."

"I'm glad she's okay too. She's a ginger."

"A ginger with greenish blue eyes."

"She's beautiful."

Our family and friends all came into the room with an array of blankets, plush animals and balloons. They all said how adorable she was and Rose asked me about how much it hurt… I don't even know what to tell her at this point other than… Try to get drugs and a c-section.

When everyone had taken pictures of the baby and held her, they left to give me and Eli some privacy. We looked down on baby Belle to try and see who she looked like more. Eli held the drowsy infant close to his face…

"Well, she does look like you an awful lot."

"I know… daddy makes such pretty babies."

"What other babies do you have?"

"That's not important right now."

"Ha."

"You know I'm kidding."

"I know. I can't believe she's here… I don't know what I would have done if I had to sign her over to somebody else right now."

"Me either. Let's not think about that at all… let's just enjoy watching our sleeping baby."

"That sounds like a plan."

Eli

I can't believe I'm a dad right now. After months of trying to get mentally prepared to have her… the time has come to show what I've learned. The time has come for me to trust myself so that Clare can trust me….

It's been a few months since Clare had Belle…Things lately haven't been so great and I've been going to therapy more because I slipped up. I knew Clare couldn't trust me and I went and proved it. Belle was just crying, she wouldn't shut up… It wasn't Clare's fault, I should have been helping but instead I blamed Clare, things got heated and I threw a baby bottle at Clare's head. It made a pretty bad lump, anyways… I felt bad, so I've been upping the ante.

"Why do you think made you so mad that night?"

"The baby was crying, I was tired….Clare was up with her."

"So you were mad because Clare couldn't control the baby?"

"I know it sounds dumb Dr. Brock. I was just so tired."

"Don't you think she gets tired?"

"Yes, I'm sure she does. I guess I was being selfish."

"Eli, you know you are not being a very trustworthy partner to Clare. Do you help?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I just don't… I know I should."

"Hmmm… Well now that I'm seeing how you are reacting I think you didn't want Clare to put all her trust in you because you didn't want the responsibility of having to live up to it."

"That's probably it too…"

"Well Eli, the only thing I can say to you about that is that if she cooks dinner, the least you can do is wash the dishes."

"I don't follow."

"You done half the dirt in creating the responsibility of the baby for you two, so it is your responsibility to do half of the work in raising this human being you've bought into the world."

"I guess I see your point."

Clare

Nobody mentioned how much babies cry. Baby Belle cries so much that it scares me when she's silent. I have her little ringing voice in my ear so much that I think I'm developing tinnitus from the noise. From the time I pick her up from Darcy's after school, until the time she goes to bed at three in the morning, she cries… Even when she's eating, being burped and getting her pampers changed. I guess some babies just love to exercise their lungs more than others. There's nothing wrong with her, I even got her checked out. She doesn't even cry with tears… She's just yelling. It sure would be nice if Eli would help though. I thought I could depend on him to help me see after her but since we bought her home from the hospital I've been doing everything while he hangs out with the guys. I moved in with him because I thought I would have more assistance in raising Belle but I see that staying with my father would have given me the same results, only without being hit in the head by a baby bottle.

Belle's crying had no end, not even while I was doing my homework. Eli walked through the door with a new comic book. I asked him to get pampers… It shouldn't surprise me that he didn't remember.

"Eli, can you watch the baby while I go get some pampers?"

"I would Clare, but I have stuff to do…"

"What did Dr. Brock say?"

"The usual mumbo jumbo."

"Oh… Eli, it will only take a second."

"Fine, but you owe me."

"To stay with your own baby?"

"Just go."

I walked to the store and I cried all the way. I still don't regret my decision to keep her, but I do regret my decision to think that I could ever count on Eli to help. I owe him? For taking care of his own baby…

I became infuriated. Once I bought the diapers and came back to the house I was steaming mad. Eli was sitting on the couch while Belle sat in her playpen, crying her lungs out. He was eating sunflower seeds and drinking soda.

"You're welcome Clare."

"I didn't say thank you."

"Rude."

"No not rude Eli! You need to help!"

"What's you issue!"

"You never help! You get mad at me because I can't control her when it's not my fault! If you actually spent time with her and done some parenting you would see how big a responsibility she is! Idiot!"

"You know what Clare, fuck you, I don't need this."

"No Eli, fuck you! I'm leaving!"

"Then go!"

I left….

**So guys I hope you enjoyed the add, thank you for reading. Two more chapters ( and an epilogue) left.**


	23. Chapter 23

Eli

So, letting Clare go wasn't exactly the best move I've ever made. I miss her. I even miss baby Belle. She won't talk to me though. Not even at school. She's gotten a job at the Dot, she won't accept my money. To top it all off, there is another crying baby in the house. Melanie, Elyot and Rose's daughter… my niece cries just as much as Belle did, so it's like I may as well have never complained.

The guilt is starting to get to me. I'm seeing that Elyot and Rose work as a team to take care of Melanie… I guess that is what Clare needed from me. I sat down on the couch beside Elyot who was feeding Melanie and bottle of that nasty ass formula.

"So… the dad thing again huh?"

"Why do you keep saying that like it's an afterschool activity?"

"I don't know."

"Dude, don't tell Clare I told you this but… She needs you."

"No she doesn't."

"Eli she does. She needs you even more than she needed you when she lived here."

"What am I supposed to do? She won't even talk to me."

"So talk to her."

"And say what?"

"That you are sorry."

"Keep on dreaming."

"Eli what would be the harm in apologizing for something you were wrong for?"

"I don't know. I just…"

"Look, there has been talk. Fitz and Clare have been talking lately and he's been helping her out some."

"What do you mean?"

"Being her shoulder to cry on, and they went out… Her, baby Belle and Fitz. Like a perfect little family."

"Oh hell no!"

"Dude just calm down… I knew I shouldn't have told you."

I went crazy. She had another guy around my kid! What kind of fucking madness is this? I went over to her dad's house. His car wasn't there so I will assume he's gone like usual. I knocked on the door as hard as I could. She opened it with the baby in her arms. I stormed in, not even bothering to wait for an invitation.

"Eli why are you here?"

"You had Fitz around Belle?"

"Yes, we went out as friends because I was on the verge of leaving her at the hospital's front door… so he took me out for dinner, ice cream and a few laughs… Belle just happened to be along for the outing."

"So that's what it is?"

"No Eli gosh! We aren't dating. Even if we were what business of yours would it be? You have made it crystal clear you don't want a role in me and Belle's life."

"Clare, you know I love you."

"What about Belle?"

"I love Belle… I just..."

"You just don't want to spend time with her. Eli, if we are going to survive as a family then you are going to have to realize that's what we are… It's not just us anymore and it never will be. You have to do your fair share of the work for her to grow up and be okay."

I took the unusually quiet baby from Clare's arms and I looked at her. Her hair was still as red as ever, there was more of it now… It was kind of wavy and curly. She whimpered a little until I got her comfortable in my arms. She's gotten heavier since I last held her.

I noticed she had her thumb in her mouth, I tried removing it and that set her off. I quickly let her put her thumb back in to keep her quiet. I looked around and Clare had gone to the kitchen. I noticed that there were bottles in the sink and she was washing loads of tiny shirts, burp rags and then her own clothes.

"I'm taking this out to the dumpster; she should be okay for that long."

The trash bag she was taking out was loaded with diapers. Just seeing the evidence I suddenly realize how much work it must be. I looked down at this tiny human who was looking up at me and I felt guilty. Guilty that I hadn't done my fair share in helping to take care of her. If I don't want her calling some other guy "daddy" then I have to actually be a daddy to her.

"I can take her now."

"No… I will take her for the night and take her to Darcy's in the morning."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You just rest or whatever."

"Thanks."

I don't know what I'm doing, but whatever it is… at least I am doing something and not just watching from the sidelines… I took the currently docile baby to my place where a not so docile baby was fussing. Rose walked over to Belle and kissed her on the cheek. Belle smiled and her thumb came out of her mouth.

"So Eli, you are trying to make up for lost time?"

"Something like that."

"Good job and good luck."

Clare

I didn't know what to do with the silence in the house no. No crying baby, no midnight feeding… This is like a vacation. Alli invited me to go to the Dot with her Drew, but I'm too tired. I decided to just stay here and lay low. For the first time since the baby was born I finished my homework in an hour and I completed my history paper. Afterwards I cleaned up and then I treated myself to a bubble bath. I wasn't sleepy after the warm bath so I got on the computer and surfed the net.

I got onto the chat room for the first time in months and I was surprised to see that everyone else was on it. It feels like I've been in a coma for months, and I'm waking up but I don't know what to do. The first person to pop into my screen was Eli.

"**Hey."**

"**Hey."**

"**Enjoying your freedom?"**

"**Somewhat."**

"**That's good… She's gotten so fat."**

"**She's not fat."**

"**It's cute… Babies should be fat."**

"**Stop calling her fat!"**

"**Okay okay… Can you believe she's sleeping right now?"**

"**She's sleeping? It's only nine."**

"**Yup, she's sound asleep. I rocked her myself."**

"**Well, good job… Where is she sleeping exactly?"**

"**On your side of the bed."**

"**Be careful, don't let her suffocate! The bedding is too thick!"**

"**Relax, she's on her back."**

"**Well, good."**

"**So, how've you been lately?"**

"**Tired…"**

"**What do you do? I mean… your daily routine?"**

"**I walk the baby over to Darcy's, which is out of the way. Then I go to school, get out, and pick her up from Darcy's so that she can make it to her class… I put Belle in Above the Dot and Peter watches her while he's cleaning up and stuff there until I get off at seven, then I come home…do homework and tend to her until she goes to sleep around one or two."**

"**Oh."**

"**Yeah."**

"**Well, if it would help… I could take her to Darcy's and pick her up… Or you could quit the Dot and I could take care of you two."**

"**Eli, I like making my own money, so I'll keep working. You could help out with Belle though if you want to, just know that your money means nothing if I don't have your physical help."**

"**I know, I know…I had to feed her, bathe her and then get her to sleep tonight. You have to do this more than once a day everyday… I'm exhausted from doing it once… I'm so sorry Clare."**

"**Well… I'm tired now."**

"**Bye."**

"**Bye"**

I lay in my bed until I heard the door open up. My father is back from Texas I guess… He knocked on my door and cracked it open. He had a teddy bear with a cowboy hat and a little lassle attached to his arm. It was cute.

"Hi dad."

"Hey honey, where's Belle?"

"She's with Eli."

"Oh. So he's acting better?"

"Yeah… For now I think. Is that for Belle? I can give it to her to play with when I pick her up tomorrow before work."

"No, actually it's for you sweetheart. I know you are probably too old to have your troubles solved by teddy bears but, I had to try. You've been looking rather blue lately."

"Thanks dad. It's a cute bear and I am cheered up sort of."

"Well good… I'm going to go turn in."

"Okay, goodnight."

I sat in my bed and looked around the room, envisioning it as the room I grew up in, at the house I grew up in. I never thought I would have to have a baby bed, a changing table, or a diaper genie in it. I guess life has its way of throwing pitches that are impossible to hit. Still, I made the choice to have the baby and keep it. I still don't regret that choice it just seems like when I added one little person to the equation, a lot of other people subtracted themselves from my life. Alli for instance, she's still cool and she will hang out with me but she just doesn't get that I can't go to parties or the movies whenever I feel like it. I see her less and less now, even at school… during lunch she's taken to hanging with the power squad. Of course Rose is still a friend and I've found and unlikely ally in Jenna but it still feels so weird to actually see things slowly change. I woke up the next morning to my phone ringing. It was Eli.

"Hello?"

"Hey, so I remembered that… I don't know where Darcy lives exactly, so how about I just come pick you up, and you can direct me?"

"Okay, what time?"

"In thirty minutes."

"Perfect, see you then."

I got up and showered quickly. Showers are usually the highlight of my day, and my night but I didn't have the time to enjoy the warm spray this time. I got dressed and grabbed my backpack. I had just enough time to eat a pack of pop tarts, the un-iced strawberry kind, yummy. Eli called and I went down to his car. Before Belle was born he'd installed a back row into Morty and he'd taken out the patrician, so Belle was in the back in her car seat. She was bundled up. I noticed that he'd even taken the time to put her hair in a neat little shrubby ponytail on the top of her head.

"You did her hair?"

"Don't you?"

"Not yet, I kind of just let it flow… Thanks."

"You are welcomed."

I directed Eli to Darcy's and when we got there I took baby Belle in and kissed her goodbye. Darcy was still halfway asleep, she always is before she has her morning coffee but Belle always wakes her up.

I went back to Morty and Eli and I took off. The ride to Degrassi was silent, which was a good thing. We went to English, which coincidentally I took with him again. That's when he decided to pull a rabbit out of his hat.

"Clare we need to talk."

"About what?"

"Us, not just you and me but… you, me and Belle."

"Lunch."

"Okay."

The day went fast and lunch came quicker than I anticipated. Eli and I decided to avoid the chaos of the cafeteria by meeting in the computer lab. I sat at my usual computer and I checked my email, he came and instantly started talking… No greeting?

"Are we still dating or not?"

"Hi to you too Eli."

"Clare, I need to know."

"I don't know Eli."

"Do you still love me?"

"Of course I still love you, I just… well before yesterday it didn't feel like you loved me very much. Ever since the baby it seems like you've stopped caring about me."

"I was selfish Clare, but I still care. I care for you and for Belle. I know you might think one night of caring for her can't change me but… Clare, just give me a second chance, please?"

"This is actually your third or fourth chance…"

"Please, just give me another chance."

"Just know that if you mess up this time, the chances won't come so easy. In fact, this might be the last chance."

"Okay, I'll be good… I'll be a good dad and a good boyfriend."

"Don't say it just, prove it."

I hope he can prove it.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review =)**


	24. Chapter 24

Clare

Baby Belle squirmed around in my bed. She no longer cries but she moves around babbling. This is sort of an improvement I guess. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was five in the morning. I have to get up in an hour anyway. I put her on my chest and I patted her on the back to try and get her back to sleep. I guess I would be restless too if I were teething. You can see them coming through. Two little teeth on the bottom. She's been biting everything lately, including Eli's fingers whenever she can get her hands on them.

It's been a month and a half and so far, he's been keeping his word and helping out a lot more with the baby. He's been pretty nice to me too. I got up with the squirming baby and I went into the kitchen. I got out her frozen teething ring and she chewed on it. That calmed down her babbling but she didn't go back to sleep so neither did I.

I took my shower and I got dressed in advance since I'm up an hour early. By the time I was done my alarm clock was going off. I got Belle fed and clothed too. This morning I got to actually eat a breakfast of cereal and not just pop tarts like usual. Before I knew it, Eli was pulling up. I grabbed my bag, Belle's diaper bag and of course Belle, then I was out the door.

We dropped her off at Darcy's and then it was on to school. The ride there wasn't silent this morning because Eli filled me in on his latest session with Dr. Brock.

"He wants to see me again doesn't he?"

"Yes, you know he does."

"Okay… I'll go. When?"

"Afterschool?"

"Peter won't be pleased."

"You'll only be an hour or so."

"I know."

I texted Peter that I might be two hours late for work. He made was cool about it luckily, which was a good thing. After all, this is really my first time missing a day since I started working there.

The school day was filled with lecturing, power point slides and most of all… taking notes! By the time the last bell rang I thought my hand was going to fall off of my arm and pass out. For my sake it didn't.

I got to Dr. Brock's comfy office and I had two sugar cookies. Eli wasn't in this session with me. He was waiting in the lobby. I guess Dr. Brock wants to see how parenthood is affecting me mentally.

"So Clare, you are a mom now."

"Yeah, I am."

"I understand, through Eli that there was some turbulence the first few months."

"Yeah."

"Tell me about it."

"I was living with him but, I may as well have been living alone. He wasn't helping at all. The only thing I could depend on him for was a ride to school every morning and financial stability. Though I liked not having to wonder where my next meal or where Belle's next pack of pampers were coming from… raising her alone in a house with her father just wasn't worth it."

"So when you moved out, did things get easier?"

"No, when I moved back in with my dad things got much harder. I mean, I was living off the allowance he left me every time he left and every week but babies are expensive so I got a job."

"How did you feel?"

"Somewhat alone… Not only because Eli wasn't there for that time but because I saw a rift growing between me and the people I used to be really tight with."

"Interesting. Clare, don't take this personal but I'm going to ask you some questions that may sound offensive. This is just to kind of see if you have any traces of post partum depression…"

"Oh I don't… that's only for women with newborns."

"Actually it can occur and manifest itself in the mother anytime up to the first year after birth."

"Wow… Well ask away."

He's right. The questions were offensive. Most of them asked me if I had thoughts of hurting or killing my baby. I don't see how anybody could do something like that. I mean there were times when I wanted to put baby Belle on mute, with some kind of magical baby remote, but I could never imagine hurting her… I guess I could see how some women could think those thoughts accidentally though… I just don't understand how they'd be able to go through with it.

The therapy session helped me get a lot off of my chest. I felt renewed and somewhat lighter. Eli grabbed my hand as we walked out of the office. Once we got in Morty he kissed me on the cheek and then pulled a black velvet box out of his glove compartment.

"Clare?"

"Eli… What is this?"

"Don't worry… It's not an engagement ring or anything… Just a little promise ring."  
"What are you promising?"

"To continue to try."

"Thanks."

The ring was pretty and fitting. I would have slipped it on my finger, but I was going to be handling dirty dishes so I put the ring on the chain with my cross. It seemed like exactly the right place for this ring to be.

Eli

Clare went to work and then it was just Belle and I… She was in the backseat chewing her teething ring. I've heard somewhere that putting rum on a baby's gums soothes them during teething, but with my luck I'd only end up with a drunken baby.

We got to my place and I got the little girl out of the back. She fixated herself on the guitar pick necklace I was wearing. She tried biting it, but I wouldn't let her. She resorted to sucking her thumb.

I sat her in the floor with her cousin Melanie who was on her back rolling and kicking like a trapped lady bug. Belle soon joined her in the activity and their infant laughs filled the air. Elyot came back through with a load of little clothes.

"Laundry day?"

"Yeah, thanks to you totally dumping Belle's dirty jumpers and burp rags on us."

"Sorry dude…"

"You own me five bucks."

"Sure I do."

"Can you imagine how much trouble they are going to get into?'

"No I can't… My bet is that Belle will be the good one while Melanie is the wild one that gets Belle and herself into trouble."

"No, Belle will be the wild one."

"Whatever we will see."

The babies soon rolled right into each other and bumped noggins which sparked a tear fest. I picked up both little ladies. I handed Melanie to Elyot and I held Belle. I inspected her head and then I rocked her to comfort. I was surprised when she went to sleep. Like I said, I guess I just have a way with babies. Who am I kidding? I just ran into some good luck…

I put her in the playpen right beside Melanie. Both babies had gone down for a little snooze. I helped Elyot sort and fold clothes while we watched a gory movie. This moment would be the perfect guy's night if Adam was here… He couldn't come over to hang today though… he had some huge paper to finish. I understand.

When Elyot and I were done folding the clothes I realized we definitely did not that that women's touch. The clothes looked like they'd been fondled through and not like we'd folded them. This usually turns out a lot neater and prettier when Clare and Rose do it.

Clare

It was a slow day at the Dot so Peter let me off early. I called Eli to come and pick me up. He was there in ten minutes. Belle was in back cuddling a rocker teddy bear Eli kept back there for her entertainment. She was also sucking her thumb. How will I ever get her to stop that habit? I guess I have lots of time to think of ways to break it.

We went to the pizza parlor. Eli got Belle and I got myself out. We went inside and got seated. I requested a highchair for the baby. Once we were settled in the waitress took our order. A half pepperoni, half ham pizza was what we got. It was satisfying. Eli told my corny jokes and he played with Belle. I didn't want to speak too soon, but this was starting to feel like a family. Sure we are in high school and we've had a very violent past but we aren't perfect… and the little family we are building won't be either.

For this night I didn't feel like I was being deprived, I didn't feel tired or stressed… I was just happy to be spending some much needed quality time with my boyfriend and my adorable little girl. If I'm lucky there will be many more times like this one.

Eli

My life isn't as I thought it would be. I'm not the flawless guy I want to be and I never will be that guy. Not because of what's happened but because it's impossible. What I have discovered is that I can try. I can try to control my temper and I can try to be the best dad possible. After all, if you continue to try then there is no definite failure. So I will learn from the bad times and embrace the good… Tonight, as I look at Clare and Belle I know that I won't ever love anyone the way that I love them. They are my life and even though I came from a family that wanted me dead… I can teach Belle to live her life to the fullest and hopefully I can live mine to the fullest along with Clare…. Tonight is a beautiful night.

**Hi guys. Thanks for reading… This is the last chapter… The next post will be the epilogue… I hope you guys liked this! Thanks for sticking by me! =)**


	25. Chapter 25

_So here is the epilogue, thanks for reading you guys! I hope you have enjoyed reading the story as much as I have enjoyed writing it! =)_

Clare

Its Belle's first birthday, I watched as she sat in Eli's lap and smeared her first ever piece of cake all over her face. I guess that means she likes it? Eli asked her to share and she just laughed at him. She's become somewhat of a daddy's girl but I don't mind that much. So far, Eli's been keeping his promise and stepping up. Not only for Belle but for me too… Six months without physical violence! Now, of course we still argue and bicker, that is just the nature of our relationship but we've both learned different ways to express our anger towards each other. I've taken up writing fan fiction again and well…Eli does yoga if you can believe that. I'm not saying things are perfect with us… it's still hard having Belle and trying to do well in school. I'm sure it will be even harder when Eli starts university in a few months, but just in case things get sticky again we have Dr. Brock on speed dial. As Eli passed the happy baby to me I realized that she is worth the hard work. I don't know what I would have done if she'd never come into my world or if I had to give her to another person. I looked around at all the people in the room. Some related to us by blood and some friends collected along the way… Either way, we make up a family, we are a family and I love my family.

Eli

I start college in a few months and I'm excited. I'm going on to a new frontier and soon Clare will join me. You'll be happy to know that I have improved in my baby hair styling and I do an Elmo voice that Belle and Melanie love. Sometimes I feel bad for not cooperating with Clare in the beginning but I'm here now and trust me, we have gotten through worse. When I think about the things I done back then and I think about the way I am now I don't even see the same person. That was the old Eli; this is the new and improved version. Clare and I have been working on our relationship. We wrote down every single grudge we had against each other and we burned it… That was sort of a way to cremate our past, now all we will look to is the future and it looks bright. I have a wonderful girl whom I would die for and an adorable baby daughter who is my pride and joy. I finally have a real family… It might not be conventional but it's a group of people who love and care for each other… It beats having a sperm and egg donor who try to kill you… Life as of right now is pretty sweet and while it is projected to get even sweeter, if it doesn't then I will still be satisfied. I have my two girls so that is all that matters. After the party Clare started helping me clean up the backyard while Belle and Melanie played with a beach ball. I started looking at her while she picked up plates off the table…

"What? Why are you staring?"

"I just love you Clare, that's why… because I just love you."

"Well I just love you too."

**The End =)**


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